Monday, 23 January 2012

Closure.

It took me a long time to consider if I should post this. And it's been days since we posted and removed and you reposted. And I took time to think. I was pissed, really really angry before, at your post. But I've since taken a beating from countless netizens, been called all kinds of names, been looked at differently from the people who know me, and I've calmed down, and cooled off. This post has been rewritten, without the initial anger.

I came across this question on my Formspring, asking if me and you can ever "go back". Your sister asked me too, if I still want to keep this friendship. Looking at the way things are, it's not really possible, is it? I understand your frustration at why you did what you did, and I hope you extend that same understanding to me. It all sparked off because I told people whom I wasn't really THAT close to that we drifted apart because of something that happened long ago which caused your boyfriend to stop liking you to hang out with me. If it were a best friend, someone close to my heart like you once was, I would have told them the whole story. But I didn't want to, because I am only human. Because relationships come in different levels - acquaintances, friends, close friends, lovers... It's fair that I don't reveal everything, is it not? 我不认识的人,我真的不需要解释那么多。But trust me that at the point of them asking about us, I strongly missed you.

Maybe I treated you as my BFF then (I don't really allow a lot of people that deep into me...), and maybe you didn't view me the same way. My pining for you as a friend that I'm losing (or perhaps have lost long ago, I just didn't know it) was genuine, and painful. It may sound warped, and some people may reaffirm the fact that I'm a psycho as I have been called by so many of you, but I'm glad you wrote that long long post. In a way, I would never have known you were so unhappy and displeased with me, with those jokes that I thought is alright to make with a "close friend". (Yes I am talking about that "Shit" incident. A close friend would have elbowed me really hard and then say in a joking tone "What!? It's interesting okay? More interesting than yours hor!" and we would have stared at each other then laughed. I'm sorry that I have failed to recognize that you don't see me the same way I saw you, and had offended you then.

To your post, I do have some things to clarify. Those of you who may think that I am once again being fake may leave. I do not owe you guys an explanation, but I owe her, myself, and our once-friendship one.

I never apologised for 3 years. - After I had dealt with the issue and finally faced you again, it was so long after. So long after that I had decided to put that past behind me (I've been taught to learn and move on, not dwell in it.) I really didn't know that you were STILL expecting an apology from me, because I didn't know you were still upset. And after I found out and pieced everything together, I apologised immediately, did I not? Only you know.

Next, the kids' show host thing. I really didn't want to care that I was one, but I was made to adhere to a certain code of conduct because I was doing a kids' show. I then got tired because I couldn't be me. Even blogging, and living my life my own terms started becoming stressful. Being an artiste meant that there IS a certain code of conduct to follow. Maybe that's why I'm "not popular as an artiste", because they don't like artistes who don't comply fully. And because I had to adhere to some form of those conduct while blogging, I couldn't blog freely all the time, which made me half-fucked as a blogger too. Yeah FML. So I didn't sign that hosting contract remember? Because being an artiste in Singapore (who's not quite there yet) doesn't pay the bills.

I really couldn't say anything vaguely vulgar on my blog then. Because my then-boss will come and tell me to watch my words or delete my posts. Shortly after, the time for recontract came and I chose not to sign it. Thus explaining my use of expletives in that post asking for my money back. I wasn't being a hypocrite by saying to you that I can't swear, then swear loudly on my post "THE VERY NEXT MINUTE". I'm really not a very good actress off-camera, you know. I am just human, like you. I get angry, like you would too.

I know you were angry, but bringing stuff that has nothing to do with this into your blog post to turn your readers against me, I don't really appreciate. Like my birthday wish list. Let's not forget that you have your Sponsorship wish list up first, shall we?

Then yes, that facial sponsorship. I didn't say "Yeah, it's not bad right? I mean.. Look at you, it's better than you having to do like what..? Five? Or Seven? Five to seven ads before you can earn the same amount", like you said I did. What I said was "Yeah it's not bad right? It's better than having to do like, 5-7 ads before we can earn the same amount". I don't think I said "you"? If I did I meant we. I was already doing blog ads then, and I was charging about the same rate as you for ads then. I said I can't do blogshop ads because I'm an artiste? Where did you get that??? Just because you thought I said something like that doesn't mean I actually did.  I said I couldn't do blogshop modelling because I was still trying to position myself. It's a fine line to tread, please try to understand. Even though I was a "half-fucked actress" like what some people say, you still hardly see actresses modelling for blogshops, isn't it? That was 1.5 years ago, I was trying to understand the media, the audience, how things should be because there isn't a manual for artistes who blog. I now have a better understanding through trial and error though, and this is no longer a concern because I no longer see myself as an actress. (You wouldn't imagine 张曼玉 or Shu Qi doing blogshop modelling would you?) Local artistes have a slightly different market positioning I suppose, due to the market size. And I accept that.


I NEVER once said that you went and got closer to D and STOLE the endorsement from me. Where did that come from? I only said that D called me to rope you in for the endorsement. I don't care if she emailed you first or called me first. But that was what she told me, that she is now working at this facial company and she's thinking of doing a bloggers' thing with me and, and suggested to bring you in as well. I now wonder what she told whom, but it doesn't matter now I suppose? Just stop saying that I lied to everyone about how you went to get closer to D so that you can clinch the deal. I did nothing of the sort. And after the endorsement started, of course I felt weird that you didn't invite me for any of their events. How would I know that you hated me so much even then? You showed nothing. No, you pretended and acted like all was fine. In this case you're probably a greater actress than I am.  Me as an actress, sure, I can pretend when the camera is rolling. Me in real life REALLY can't do that. I won't bother being nice if I don't like you. 我的性格一直就是那样 - 是就是,不是就不是。Simple as that. (In case you think about Wendy now, I'll deal with that later.)

 
Next. The boob job. When I didn't go ahead with the procedure in the end due to problems with my manager, I really felt that I owed you something, because you roped me in and I had agreed to do my lipo with your boob job together. I wanted to do liposuction badly too, and I argued with my management many times over it. I felt really sorry, and spoke to Gillian, and the doctor, about it. I know how much doing that op meant to you, and I wanted you to still be able to get the procedure done because I was really worried that they might cancel it because I pulled out. Because the ops were meant to be done so that we could film BIB2. So I thought okay, if I can't do the op, maybe I can still write about it so that everyone (Click, the doctor, you) still gets coverage, even though I had a miserable 700 hits at the time like you said. I felt like it was something I owe everyone, because everyone thought we were both going ahead with this, and I pulled out so last minute. It was NOT BECAUSE I WANTED TO BLOG ABOUT IT FOR THE HITS

You can say I was fake and that I was trying to act noble, but thinking about myself was the LAST thing on my mind then. Was I upset that I couldn't be involved? Of course I was! We had agreed to write about each other's procedure as a whole, REMEMBER? (Don't say that it's weird for me to write about your boob job, okay? The whole thing was FILMED. How unequally-weird was that then?) That was why I didn't understand why I was being left out. But I was glad that you finally got the procedure done. I was really happy for you because you had talked about always feeling like a man without boobs.  "I'm disappointed that I didn't get to sit in and help you blog about it, but I'm still happy for you." True feelings, both of them.

We were trying to help each other with blog hits. Just like how you roped me in for Milly's/BIB2/everything else, I did what I could for you too. Whoever asked me for a blogger who can do this/that, I always brought up your name. I even went on forums to promote your blog. No I don't need you to say you didn't ask me to. I did it because I wanted to. I know you had financial difficulties. And blog hits mean a lot, because higher hits meant more exposure, and you could charge more for your ads. This applies to all bloggers. When I started blogging for STomp I had told the editor to take a look at your blog because you're very pretty and funny and you write well. I wanted them to engage you as well because at least there is some income. I really did my part for you too. Please don't dismiss me as selfish the way you did.

My link on your side bar? I DM,Whatsapped, msn you time and again to put it up?? We talked about the links, and you told me to send a picture to you, so I did. I MOST DEFINITELY DID NOT ask you repeatedly to put up my link. I remember I was on that sidebar for quite a while (and not one week like you said). And I appreciated you putting it up. I really appreciated because it really helped me with my little amount of traffic then. You told me that some people, especially this boy, kept asking you to link them up on your blog, that's why you removed all of them. And not because of me. Why are you saying that it's because of me now? Or perhaps it WAS me but you just didn't say it in my face then. I would have wished that you were more direct, dear. I had no idea, because you still presented yourself to be a friend.


The watermarking. Ah~ Here's the thing. Those pictures photoshopped by you? I only watermarked them because they were pictures on my blog and I didn't want other people to use them anyhow. But I WROTE THAT THOSE PICTURES WERE PHOTOSHOPPED BY YOU, AND THAT I WAS AMAZED AT YOUR PHOTOSHOP SKILLS. You need a refresher? Come, here it is.

See them? I'm guessing you were too mad at me, and already have so much unhappiness with regards to me, that everything I did, you thought otherwise.

Adonis - maybe D presented herself differently to both of us. Maybe something went wrong. But the impression she gave me was that she knew me, and wanted me to rope you in. Was I wrong to feel that you were ungrateful after you decided to not talk to me nor invite me for their events? Put yourself in my shoes.

Budget Barbie - sure that show was yours. It really belongs to you, and I mean it. Would they know that you were great at sourcing out cheap stuff? I thought that was a really great talent and when I told Gillian she was really interested and I saw a spark in her eye. She told me they have something like that in mind for a long time and was looking for someone who could do that. Tell me my suggestion to her did NOTHING. That you were already famous for being able to buy chio things less than $10, for hardly ever spending money on things even if they were $10. That she would already have known. Maybe. And maybe not.

I told people I had more readership than you???? I always knew you had higher readership! I don't have to compare readership to you. I don't have to compare readership with a friend. I do need a friend who has been blogging for a longer period than me to tell me what's the going rate for blogshop ads for any particular stats. I really needed a reference and I looked up to you for information. Why did it come across to you that I was being competitive?

Wendy. Okay we're here. Yes she is a great and influential blogger. I acknowledge that. (I've repeated myself so many times yet u doubt it again, and again, and again.) YES I GENUINELY THOUGHT SHE LOOKED PRETTY THAT NIGHT, AND THAT SHE IS GOOD. I was proud of her when she won BECAUSE SHE REPRESENTED SINGAPORE. Was that being fake too? 

That said, I don't have to suck up to her, and love and agree with everything she does or says. You even agreed with her comment on Alvinology by saying Mint cleared the food. Did you even remember what happened? I'm definitely not the best person to say this because I wasn't even there, right? But it seemed this incident Wendy brought up didn't even happen. Because other than Mint, someone else ALSO remembered the actual incident very clearly!  We were talking about studio filming, and she went to clear a leaf on the studio floor. Unless you guys were eating leaves on the floor?

Do you really remember, or were you just trying to stand up for what Xiaxue says? Don't assume that Mint didn't feel anything that day, or that I am being hypersensitive. Unless you talked to her about it, how would you know for sure?

For those of you who thinks that I am trying to drag Mint in, I really am not. To begin with, the whole story began with a passing comment between a person-to-person conversation. I'm sure Wendy's used to people talking about her. Why would she care about what I said??? And seriously, I really wonder how it got there and then here? -.-"

I support her, but I don't idolize her the way you do. I don't have to agree with everything she does because I still have a mind of my own. Btw, I called her 女王, not 女神. Queen, not goddess, for the record? I really don't like being misrepresented. She IS the Queen of Bloggers, and I think no one can challenge what I said. (Maybe that's why she can choose whoever she wants to execute?) I don't support blindly. I think I can keep support for her work and everything else apart. Btw, tell me which line is not true:

That Wendy may not be popular if not for her blog. 
That she is short and she'll be lost in a sea of people if she didn't have blonde/pink hair.

...............
?

I'm backstabbing her? She IS short, but she does have gorgeous pink hair that I even tell my mother about. I mean, that her hair still looks so good even after she's bleached them so many times? That is something.

And she is so big today because of her blogging, isn't she?

I said she was arrogant? I said she gives people an arrogant vibe sometimes (which may not mean that she is. It's easy to miss a few words and have it turn out a different meaning altogether, I know.). But look, she's XIAXUE, she is entitled to that. People would say Divas feel arrogant, doesn't mean they are. I didn't say she was always hostile to me, because she did smile at me during NAPBAS. No, she was never arrogant to me. Not once have I said that. What I DID say, is that she does have this aura which makes people not dare to really go near her.

Mental note to self: I have to remember that not everyone is friendly and will talk to anyone like I would. Or that will get me into trouble, or risk being called a two-faced bitch.

Your DP. Yup I honestly thought, as a friend, that a particular picture didn't look good, and that maybe you should change it. And it sure wasn't the one you showed. Because that looks nice. My point was, I was just giving you an opinion. Not trying to put you down. Why would I do that??? Oh and for your super-great-linkaged brain, the suggestion for a photoshoot was not me trying to manipulate you to go for a shoot with me so I have new pictures to post which I can watermark and tell people you photoshopped. RAH~ No. -.-"

Things said between us both, you keep them there like how you might with Wendy/Sophie's conversations with you. Or maybe you wouldn't and use those against them too should you guys fall out? So scary.
  • The 2D-3D thing was a discussion topic. Call it a marketing speech or whatever, I only meant to say that I want to remain real in my blog, like it/believe it or not. 
  • Alexa and that your blog is doing better than mine? I meant things plainly, I was not comparing. I also said Wendy is really the TOP blogger because her blog is the FIRST individual website that is on that list. Just a random topic of conversation. 
Why did you say all the things you did? I treated you as a friend, I talked to you as one, and I told you things as one. 这些东西我跟你讲的,你讲出来做什么?And are they really relevant? Perhaps to you they were relevant score points, in painting me in that light.


Comments made about you and Wendy and me are not my trophies. I don't care if they put me down or put you down or put whoever on the pedestal okay? Whatever people said, I just approved and let people judge for themselves. I insinuated no shit. I don't just publish the pro-Silver and anti-qq/xx comments, I APPROVED COMMENTS THAT SAID SHIT ABOUT ME TOO.  Maybe not all of them because some of them mentioned other people, or I needed to consider the feelings of these other people too. For that little birdy that emailed you, I did not approve because D was not a married man, and the married man I dated, I never knew he was. It wasn't even a logical comment to start with, why should I approve? I'm sorry that I approved nasty comments about you and Wendy, I was really pissed at the time, but they have all been removed. All the comments have been removed, and I will appreciate it if no one hurls insults at anyone of the parties involved.

I agreed that I came across as a less-than-nice person to you unintentionally. And I said sorry. I apologized. I apologized. And I apologized.  I was truly sincere in my apologies. Were they in my previous posts? They were. Were they in that conversation we had before? They were. You said you gave me many chances, but you really didn't. You gave me chances in your own head, because I never even knew about my misdeeds. Then when you told me everything at one shot, you may have already poisoned yourself against me so much that no matter what I said, wouldn't mean anything anymore.

I told you most of the things I did because I trusted you. That I thought you were a friend. I had no idea that you thought me annoying. But we DO tell our closest friends the rawest thoughts, don't we? I just didn't realize that you had already felt differently towards me, that we've drifted so far apart.




All I did was explain to people why we don't talk anymore, in the easiest way I know how (Sorry I'm not that great a storyteller as you...with all the sound effects. I wouldn't say that much to people I don't really know that well.), and you got so angry that you wrote such a long post to diss me? Never mind, then animate what I went through with sound effects? What is wrong with you? You can read my letter to you again. I was being sincere. If you still choose to think it's all fake and crocodile tears, there's nothing I can do. I tried.

Trust me, I have said sorry, so many many times even before this thing exploded. Did you once ever forgive me? 


Can we ever "go back"? Perhaps not, though we will never know.You can continue seeing me the way you do, but that is not the purpose of my writing this post.



It's the first day of the Lunar New Year, and I heard this term called Soul Prosperity yesterday. It talks about prospering when you confess and forsake the wrongs you have done.

I wish Soul Prosperity for myself, and for everyone else, involved in this saga or not. Soften your hearts, and you can have more. I was angry and my heart did harden a few days ago. But I have decided to soften mine. New year, a time for new beginnings. That very last baggage has been taken out. May we live our lives well, whether with or without each other, shall we?

Thank you, despite you saying you will ignore me, for reading me, for listening to what I have to say. That meant a lot already.


Peace,