"Do you want to get married?"

The other day as I stayed at my friend Lisa's in Arkansas, she asked me this question - is everything okay? Am I getting married? And do I want to get married?

I knew as a kid I definitely did. And it wasn't until the last couple of years that I became unsure. (I haven't spoken to the bf about these thoughts yet cos it's 3am now and because I'm not actually sure he believes in it - you know with people talking about it being such a common thing to get divorced anyway.) I told her this "if it makes sense". 

What the heck does that mean? I knew for sure that wasn't in my heart. If it makes sense?? Like what, for money, business or what? Geez. Why did I even say that?

And her question popped up multiple times during my 9 hour drive to Louisville Kentucky. Halfway through my drive I got my answer. I nearly cried and broke down in the car but I held my composure cos I didn't want the bf to think something was wrong. 

I remember why I have been so careful - The reason why I haven't gotten married even though I've dated countless men (other than the ones my mum didn't like) was because I want it to be done right just one time, with that one person who is the love of my life, who will not just say f*Ck it and walk out when things don't go smooth or when he's not happy. I wrote about a whole list of what I am looking for once, and that list is even more specific and crystal clear now. I want to know that the things that matter to me are held in high regard. I want to be so secure in this relationship that I know for sure he will choose to stick it out with me and solve whatever challenges that may arise, with me, together. I want this person to get along with my family well and me his too. I want to be able to have fun and play and laugh and cry with this person, and yes, with this person. I want my mum to hand me over to the man she believes can love me better than she can, and I want my grandparents to witness this union. 

And with this same person, yes, I want children. I've always wanted 3 children of my own. Not adopted, but a result of our love. And yes I want my grandparents to be able to carry great grandchildren from me. I'm not sure if that is ever going to happen with all that science and medical talk about women having trouble conceiving late. And it's scaring me that that may never happen as they're getting older. But hey, just penning down my thoughts. 

I learnt from couples in long lasting marriages, that marriage is a choice, staying together is a choice, choosing to work things through is a choice. Just like you will never give up on yourself, I want this person to once he chooses to walk this path with me, stay and walk this path with me till one of us is gone. And I will for sure do the same for him. ❤️ 

Call me an idealist, but relationships, especially the one which you choose to do life with, are not disposable. I am not disposable. Hence I'm not interested in a relationship where someone is going to just say "well we never know what's going to happen in the future so what's the point?" That's like saying we're going to die anyway so why bother workinh towards your dreams? 

One fengshui guy told my mum that should I get married early, I may end up in a divorce. I don't know what early means, but as I wrap up the last of my 37 years, I'm suddenly overwhelmed in a sea of so much thought. I don't think I qualify to be getting married early now. My fear is I may never achieve any of that which I've wanted for so long. Maybe it's my period coming, who knows.

No it's not a hint to anyone. As I'm lying in bed I'm not understanding where the tears are coming from. I'm thankful for my 37 years and the people that have come and gone and the ones who have stayed. I'm thankful for the ones I've loved and lost (and wished I never had to lose them.)

Maybe this time at our event (which is why I'm in Louisville for), I'll finally get something. I never had those breakthrough moments people talk about. But then I've always dealt with challenges well. Let's see.

BTW it's interesting that this year my lunar and solar birthday are one day apart. And me being in the states means I'll technically be having my birthdays across 60 hours. Maybe this will be my 60-hour reboot lol. Pruvers iykyk 😂 

Goodnight world. ❤️