Tonight I Understood Something

Hello!!!! Has it been almost a month since my last update??? Oh my gosh! I went on a really long hiatus! June was when I finished all my projects and decided to take a break from work. Which explains the lack of updates here. I have still been actively Instagramming so you can still follow my updates on my IG okay? 

So...I'm in Taipei at the moment, and I'm alone in my room thinking about how the universe works in strange ways...to bring things to you, to let you understand things, to make you a better person. You must be thinking why am I being so philosophical today, especially after having gone missing for so long. 

Hey, sometimes I need something which will jerk my emotions enough to compel me to pen it down, and tonight I have one of those. #soemo 

Well, okay this post is going to let you into my heart and more into my private life, which I haven't done so in a long time. 

I just met my ex, D, for dinner here, and 2 nights ago, and he was still being an awesome person, wanting to bring me to places, take lead, be the man. And I totally appreciate it of course. He never made me worry about what to do or where to go because he would always take lead. =) So there was a lot of talking and catching up, and I thought, hey the chemistry is still there! That's great! But somehow I could always feel that there was more to it on his end. Like, he still felt something for me. 

I can almost hear a lot of you going "Give it another shot!" Trust me, I had a long struggle with myself before I decided to do the split. He's someone who fulfils my entire checklist of what I look for in a man. 

Ok maybe that checklist needs to be updated cos, well, you learn more about yourself in every relationship. 

Still, that's quite a feat, no? All 20 checks. That's something!

But then there is this thing we call long-distance and common direction and goals and a whole bunch of other factors that ultimately made me decide that I have to let this go. Or maybe it's a bunch of factors which led to this deciding factor that made me call for the split- I fell out of love. 

I mentioned Chemistry there, but this encounter with him made me realise this - a relationship with chemistry and without spark is called... a Friendship. Just that. 

But hey, there is this guy who's loyal, capable, family-oriented, who has almost everything you want in a life partner (according to the old checklist), and it seems he has become a better person and he still wants you, shouldn't you give it a try? I tried. I tried to go with the flow, see if I could feel anything. I can safely say that I'm someone who bravely pursues love if I feel it, but this time, it didn't come. Or rather, it didn't return. And I actually felt a little sad about it. Because I know I would be letting a good man slip through.

Which brings me to the thought - should I even be using logic to assess this? I remember talking 2 friends out of marrying just for the sake of stability. I might be a romantic idealist, but I want my sparks and fireworks, and I want them to last. Without the spark plug, how will the engine even start, right? 

I'm not sure if I'm holding back on purpose, or if it's a subconscious thing. I can't tell. But while I was thinking about this, I'm reminded of another past relationship, one which I found so hard to let go because we were so in love and I had to spoil it. 

I tried so hard to get that relationship to work again, but nothing could move him or bring him back. I think I finally understand why. Mutual friends have told me he loved me with all his life, but he got hurt, and he fell out of love. I didn't understand then how someone could just let go when you had so much together. Actually, you can. If you get hurt enough that you feel nothing anymore. 

Tonight, I finally understood. 

It's really rare and beautiful to find someone you love, who loves you the same. So many billions of people around the world, and it has to be him/her. =) Be thankful and glad if you have a special someone. You can't buy food with love, but love can feed your soul. I'll take a well-fed soul any day. =)

Of course, the Universe works in strange ways. Even if that relationship you're in doesn't work out, trust that somehow it's meant to happen, and something better will come your way. There is going to be lessons learnt, experiences had, and stories to be shared later on. 

Patience Self, you'll find out more. Soon enough.

P.S I apologise if I don't sound very coagulative cos I haven't been writing for a while and my thoughts are just anyhow flying all over the place. Paiseh! >.<