Tuesday, 10 December 2013

How to Get Away from a Tricky/Disaster Date - Response to Jac's Blind Date

So some weeks ago I read Jacqueline's post on how her date from Paktor totally blew her away. In a way so funny I was laughing like an idiot whilst reading her post in a McDonald's with my laptop. I was so sure the girl next to me thought I was crazy. She's just awesome la! If you can't remember her she's the girl I had shitloads of fun with in Phuket doing mad stuff earlier this year. And we spent a lot of time cartwheeling and split jumping on the beach. *misses*

If you remember, I wrote a blog post on this dating app called Paktor where you like people's profiles anonymously and you will only have access to chat with the person only if he/she has liked your profile back. So that eliminates all the nonsense people whom you are totally not interested to msg you. Unless of course you are like me and more often than not accidentally swipes in the wrong direction. If you have no idea what the hell I'm talking about,  just go download the app and try. It can be pretty fun. Lol.

What I love and hate about the app is that your REAL age is revealed. You can't not reveal it because it will use your Facebook account age. Unless your Facebook registration age is a fake one. But it cuts down the "Oh how old are you?" and the ignore that comes after when they find out you are too young/old. After all, if you are going to take a step further, you will eventually need to know each other's real age anyway. 

So to cut the story short, Jac had such a disastrous date that she wrote a long ass essay narrating the whole account. If you haven't already done so, read about it here and have a good laugh yourself. #goodthingsmustshare

My take on it? I was kind of glad she went for the date. Lol. No no, I'm not being 幸灾乐祸 here. I'm just thinking we need experiences like this to make life interesting. I would go on such a date once in a while just to exasperate myself and tell you guys stories man. (I do have my exasperating experiences, but I'll share them another time.) I have dated my fair share of men, and no one experience came SO close to being half that funny.  Jac's knowledge of chargers and alcohols totally added to the fun factor. Lol. 

And guess what, I received an email from Paktor today saying they have updated their app with more profiles and a better profiling system, plus they have a free Birkins bag to give away (that should tempt some of you lol!) , so I went into the app to take a look. I've stopped using it for more than a few weeks cos a lot of profiles really CMI. And I have to say, now the profiles that showed up around my area (I usually click on 1km around my vicinity so I can find makan kakis lol!) have improved!!! Hooray!!! Hey, even if I don't make friends with them I know there is eye candy in my neighbourhood no? ^.^

Guys, it would really help if you add something to your tagline you know, like what you do, hobbies, something about yourself. A pretty face alone wouldn't garner a "Like" from me ya know.  #justsaying

Of course, what happens from there is all up to fate and your luck. Call Jac lucky or sway, I thought her experience was at least interesting. Cos we really don't need another wrong-boring-and-nothing-happens date. ;)

But if you really don't wish to stay to find out what kind of jokes might happen, here are 10 good tips that I personally use to get away from a disastrous date. And they ALWAYS work.

Note: Some kind of acting is required.

1. Fake a Call.

You know that app where you can press a button and a fake call comes in? You can pretend to walk away and have a conversation and come back saying you have an urgent meeting to attend to. If it's late at night, say you sibling/mother/bff is drunk and you have to go to bring him/her home. If you can't act or pretend to have a phone conversation then text a friend and get him/her to call you. And have that fake conversation for real. Especially useful when the date is a non-stop talker and you can't bring up a "I need to go." 

2. The Very Important Message.

The beauty about having smart phones is that we can check emails and messages wherever. Pretend to be looking at an email/sms/whatsapp/whatever message, and say "Shit". Follow it by telling your date you forgot to send your client/boss something (eg. some document) and that he demands it ASAP. Then say the document is at home and you need to go home and scan it to your client/boss because he is waiting. 

3. Try to Sell Him Something

If you are in property or insurance or in MLM, now is your chance to practise your sales pitch. Not a good romantic candidate? Never mind. He could be your potential client, or downline. Just casually ask him if he has insurance, or thought about investing in property, or tried this Amway/NuSkin/Herbalife/whatever MLM brand product, and talk him into buying or joining the business. Since you're spending some lone time with the guy anyway, take the opportunity to do some work. 

2 possible outcomes could happen if you engage this move -

1. You could be closing your next deal thanks to a disastrous date.
2. He could be thinking of his own exit strategy. If you can't beat them, join them. Be a sales-oriented disaster date yourself.

4. Lao Sai

Uh huh, especially if you have had dinner prior and the guy is suggesting a movie or coffee or whatever later on. Say you need to go to the loo, be gone for about 10-15 minutes, come back holding your tummy saying you are not feeling so good, and say you think you need to go home. Apologise for the abrupt ending and thank him for the date. Well I believe in being kind to people la. 

5. Feign a Headache. 

Slowly keep touching your temples and hitting the back of your head as if you have migraine. He will definitely notice and ask you what's wrong. Use the excuse as per Tip no. 3. Well technically speaking if you are feeling uncomfortable about the date already and you are having a headache thinking how to get away, you aren't lying. 

6. If He Offers to Send You Home, Take the Ride

Aiyah, you've already spent a couple of hours with the wrong person, what's another half an hour? At least let him do a good deed and send you home. At least your impression of him won't be so bad. Ask him to drop you at the nearest MRT station and say you live just across. Or ask him to drop you a street away if the walk is too far. Lol. This way you get a free ride home, plus he won't know your address. ;)

7. If He Offers to Walk You Up, Say NOOOOOO

Okay you don't have to be so dramatic and go "Noooooooo~~~~~", but you can tell him that it's not convenient. If it's a first date he should get the idea. If he doesn't get the idea say that your family is very conservative and you are not comfortable with the idea. If he insists on walking you to the lift then find a random block, say thanks for sending you home, and walk into the lift and press any button to go to some random floor. The point is it should not be your own block and he should not know where you live. Then just hang around the lift lobby at that particular floor, or some staircase and wait for 5-10 minutes. Then proceed to head home. 

8. If He Comes in For a Goodbye Hug

Just hug him back. With the hands. No pressed-together bodily contact. NO NO NO NO NO. Always leave a gap from your chest down. Else if you feel anything hard underneath good luck to you. Hug already please quickly pull away and say bye and turn and leave! Pretend to run like you are rushing if you are using reasons No. 1 and 2 to get away.

9. If He Attempts to Kiss You, God Forbid, ON THE LIPS. O.O

This is the scary part. If he looks pretty okay then it's not too bad. But if he's U.G.L.Y for your standards (Hey beauty is subjective) then you have a problem. Or if he has BO, or bad breath. Just siam. Like this:

Pull away if you notice him coming up close for a kiss (I'm sure you can tell if someone wants to kiss you). If you are cornered to a wall then just duck downwards. Just do what you can to siam. And say thanks for the date. See you when I see you. Or say you'll call him when you're free. Except you never will be. Never will be free for him again, at least. =P And quickly turn and walk away. Turn back and wave with a smile, then keep walking. ;)

If he was too fast for you to react and his lips actually touch yours, NEVER OPEN YOUR MOUTH. Keep it to a tightlipped kiss. No tongue. (Eeewwwwwww~~~) And quickly pull away thereafter. And say bye and run. 

If he kisses you on the cheeks, it's no biggie. Just go straight home, or to the toilet, and wash.

10. If He Calls / Texts You, DO NOT REPLY. 

Okay if you want to keep him as a potential network because you think he could be good for your work or something, reply. But keep replies safe. If he says he misses you, don't reply. Only reply if he asks about work. If he asks when he can see you again, say you have been really busy and it will be the case for the next 2 months. Whether or not he sees your partying pictures on Facebook is another matter. Why did you add him anyway? 

Well, if he is a disaster date or someone I doubt I'll ever want to see again, especially not as an acquaintance (Sorry but this is the real world guys. We can only have that much quality time for that many people in our lives.) I probably would never want to reply him ever again. I don't care if he sees me online on Facebook or Whatsapp or anything like that. I don't like you means I don't like you. I don't need to tell you why. Just attribute it to fate or 八字相冲. 

Oh this applies not just to disaster dates with guys. Guys, these tips apply to you too! 
Good luck and have fun finding a better match next time!


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