Saturday, 13 April 2013

Unfeeling, and Feeling

Have you ever felt like you don't feel anything? Like you just feel numb? It sounds like an oxymoron but I have been there. Not too long ago.

For a good period of time, especially during the month of March, I didn't feel anything. No happy, no sad, no anger, nothing could upset me, nothing could make me smile from the inside, nothing could make me laugh with all my being, nothing could make me cry.

Except when I'm in a movie.

That was the only indication I could still feel, when I could be moved by a story.

I wondered if it was because I had been so busy, everyday was the same - I wake up, prepare myself, head out the door, work, come home, shower, prepare my scripts for the next day, sleep, wake up, repeat. Plus my work required me to sometimes give out so much emotion that by the time I'm done, my emotions have run dry. I just wanted to go home and hug my poor neglected dog to sleep.

I remembered I had to do a crying scene. The director wanted me to feel the scene and drop that tear. I tried putting myself in the character - didn't work. I tried to think of a past relationship which hurt so badly then - I couldn't feel anything. I tried to think of a once-beautiful friendship which has headed in a direction it wasn't intended to. This one made me feel that pinch a bit, because I think it still matters, but it couldn't conjure the tears I needed for the scene...

I realize in a good way, I had moved on from the past sadness in my life. They happened, I cried, they hurt, I moved on eventually. And I guess allowing myself to grieve during the process of hurting helped. I could now talk about them without feeling sad, sorry, angry, hurt, or anything. They were just circumstances that happened.

I was cheerful most of the time. But somehow, something was missing. Yes, the bf is a thousand miles away, and maybe that played a part. I wasn't exactly sure why I was feeling that way. Every day, as I rode/drove to work, I had a good period of lone meditative time in the car. (Yes, driving a route you are so familiar with allows you to do that. Drivers should understand.) In that brief half an hour there/back, I would feel grateful. For all the opportunities that came my way and are constantly still knocking. For the chances that people give me. For being able to do what I set out to do, and truly enjoy. For the people who love me despite me not being able to give them the time I would so love to and that I feel they so deserve. For my health, and my family's, such that I never have to worry about anything and concentrate on my work.

Even today, I still do that. Gratitude keeps me grounded, and reminds me not to take things for granted.

This month started well. Despite my busy-ness, which I really kind of enjoy sometimes, I took time to get started on my second career. I got my property licence last month, and I started attending workshops to upgrade myself and kickstart this path. I've always liked making people happy, I've always loved the stage, performing, and I've also always loved looking at homes. I remember when I was a schoolgirl staying in the hostel of my high school, I would go for morning jogs along Bt Timah just looking at the different houses.

This is something that I've been wanting to do since my days as a stewardess, when I realize I enjoy doing service, that I could go into real estate. Of course a huge part of me still loves performing, which was why it took me so long to get started on this. Now I'm here, officially a real estate agent.

I made a promise to myself to do them both well, and the newfound drive has set off a whole series of feelings that weren't there for a long time - happiness, passion, energy, excitement. Somehow I noticed little changes in my life too. I actually felt upset when a friend said I was "very free" cos he kept seeing me on tv. When something matters a lot to you and someone discredits that one thing that means so much, hell you'll feel angry. I did, and I snapped at him, and actually, I'm kind of sorry I did. But it showed me one thing - I felt something!!!

Is it strange that being able to feel anger made me feel alive?

Of course I immediately switched my thoughts to other pleasant things so as not to keep myself upset. A friend whom I knew since I was 14 returned to Singapore for a brief period after having gone for a good 10 years, and being old friends, of course we met up. It's been so long, you know? And in the brief period that we did, he reminded me of the person I was so many years ago. I learnt, or rather relearnt many things about myself, and I went home and visited that little girl and her dreams from so long ago. I cried a lot that night, because I realized that I was happy again. That girl still lives in me, except she's a woman now.

Being able to feel...that feels really good.

If you've been in a rut, try this tip: amidst your already busy schedule, squeeze some time to do something you've always wanted to do. It could be picking up an instrument, reading a book, go on an unplanned trip for 2 days, anything that you want to do but haven't because you haven't had time. Squeeze out whatever little time you have to do something you'll love, sure you'll feel like you're in living hell while planning to do that, but you'll thank yourself when the time comes.

Otherwise, you can just continue feeling numb, and just wait for love to hit you. ;)

Pssst...something The Secret taught me is...love yourself first. Someone will come along if he/she hasn't already.

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