Thursday, 6 September 2012

When It's Time to Walk Away

Relationships come and go, and we have all been there except for the ones who have never been in one. A good friend of mine ended her relationship lately, and honestly, I felt that it might not be a bad thing. Both the guy and the girl are good human beings, and both are great people. It's just that, well, maybe they weren't suited for each other. Better to walk away than just drift on and later on get married and have to deal with separation, divorce and all that messy stuff right? It doesn't have to get ugly, but for that to happen (a civil separation), you need to recognize the signs.

So how do you know? When is it time to say "Baby, I think it's time to have a good talk..." From my experience with relationships (I'm no Casanova, but I think I've been in enough relationships and talked to enough friends to share some, maybe a little, experience) I have put down here a list of signs that tell you it's time to move on. 

1. When one of you says "I love you" and the other person can't say it back. 

Someone's holding back, and unless whatever it is that is causing the other person to hold back is being ironed out, this relationship's going nowhere. 

2. When everything that he/she does starts to irk you. 

Those cute gestures you once found endearing and loving, nope, doesn't work anymore. When you start baulking at them, that should serve as your brain's callout to you.

3. When you start finding fault with every little thing he/she does. 

Apart from getting grossed out with cute gestures, if you start being disapproving of everything your partner does, like you reading everything they say as an igniter for a fight, it's really time to leave. You picking fights without you knowing, pointing out flaws which really might not be, these are not good for either of your mental well-beings. Your partner might find it stressful to talk to you (and end up being reclusive), and you find yourself getting angry a lot. Do both of you a favor and break up already.

4. When your friends (especially those close to your heart) ask you about your boyfriend/girlfriend and you find yourself unenthusiastic to talk about it. 

If someone asks you "Hey are you with so-and-so" and you reply "Huh what the fuck of course not!", I think it's pretty obvious. Remember when you were in love and you just can't wait to show your other half to the world? That is how it should be. I'm not saying you should spam pictures of you and your partner all over Facebook. But you should be happy to share about this special someone with a good friend. 

5. When you know nothing about him. 

You guys have been dating for 6 months, and you know nuts about him other than the fact that he's good in bed. How many members of his family are there? What does he do for a living? What does he like other than hang out with you? You want to know if this is someone you can live with for the rest of your life, if you guys have goals in common, where did he study, do you guys have any friends in common? Why isn't he sharing any details of his life with you? For all you know this guy could be married with 3 kids. It would be really unpleasant if you find that out when the wife calls or when someone leaves an unpleasant message on your Facebook, or worse, when you bump into the family as you're shopping with your friends. 

6. When you find yourself doubting the relationship more than enjoying it.

Know the plucking rose petal thing n going "he loves me he loves me not"? That is fine if you are having a major crush on the hottie in the next class, but if you are already in a supposedly stable relationship, and you doubt it. A lot. It's time to do some soul-searching. Why? Is it because of your previous relationship? I had relationships when I was so affected by previous ones of cheating partners that I kept wondering if my partner was going to be "another one of those". I realized that I needed to fix those insecurities and learn to love myself before any guy could come and love me. If this is a good catch, he/she will understand if you need to take time off. They will come for you again when you are ready. If not, well, it's no one's loss, really. Because the Right One WILL COME, once you have fixed yourself and learnt how to enjoy your own company. 

Oh, also, if he/she has cheated on you before and you really can't find yourself trusting this person again, let go. Living in doubt and suspicion is tiring as hell. Relationships and love is meant to enrich you and make you happy.

7. When everything else takes priority over your free time but him. 

If you find yourself wanting to hang out with your family, friends, random friends A, B and C, finding Korean dramas and boliao YouTube videos to watch instead of spending time with your partner, it's time you let him go. It's true that it's healthy to spend some time apart, but if the desire to see each other is gone totally, then maybe the relationship should be dropped.

8. When you start screening phone calls instead of picking them up. 

From your bf/gf, that is. I know that when I'm in love (even years into the relationship), I jump and run to pick up my phone in case it's him who calls, even if it means somehow stubbing my toe and cursing in the process. Lol. Should you find yourself dreading to pick up that call, it's time to re-evaluate. 

9. When you want marriage and he/she doesn't.

I think it's good to talk about this as soon as you're in a stable relationship, as early as possible. No don't have to sound desperate la! Like scared nobody wants you. -.-" But you sure don't want to have committed 5 years of your youth, time and effort only to find that he doesn't believe in marriage, nor wants to have children. *sound of cup dropping and glass breaking*

Unless that's what you want too.

10. If your period comes more often than sex. 

I'm going to quote a good friend here, but I won't say who she is. Or she might kill me. Lol. Sex is all too important (at least to me) in a relationship. (I'm talking about those 18 years and older yah?) Or at least, the sensual physical touch. And the affectionate kisses. If your sexual compatibility isn't there, sooner or later someone IS going to stray, trust me on that. There is nothing more frustrating to a girl than having to ask for sex. Wah lao like so sad can. 

11. When the relationship is stable and you still don't feel like bringing him/her home. 

Are you ashamed of him/her? Are you afraid that your parents may disapprove? Are you ashamed of your family? Your home? As long as it's not the former, do talk to your partner about why you are not showing him/her to your folks yet. I always had this fear of bringing guys home to my mum as she once told me she won't entertain any guys I bring home until I'm past a certain age or if she feels he's not worthy enough of me. There was always this constant pressure to make both parties happy, and I always felt caught in the middle. If that's the case explain to your partner. If they respect you enough they will understand. The last thing you need is them feeling insecure about why you don't want to bring them home. 

Of course if you are married with children then bringing him/her home is unacceptable. Actually having this relationship is wrong to begin with. Just end it. Period.

12. When you don't feel it anymore.

I feel so happy and grateful just having this person in my life now, and that's how it should be. If you're not brightening up when you see him/her, when you're no longer happy, or at least, blissful, and when you just have nothing more to say to him/her, it's time to have a heart-to-heart talk, as ironic as it might sound.

Are you still in the relationship because "anyway nothing's wrong what", or you are just waiting for a third party to show up either way so that there is a good reason to leave? If you are already drifting and staying together because oh well, dunno why, then do both of you a favor and just voice it out. So that you have a chance of meeting someone who WILL make you heart flutter and things don't have to get ugly when that happens. 

13. When he/she can't respect your family.
Uh oh. Maybe it's my Asian background. But then again, I think respect for your partner's family members are important. These people are an integral part of who he/she is, and family will always be family. That's one thing you can't change. If you can't stand any family member, at least show some respect, no matter how unreasonable they might be. If your partner can't respect any of your family members whom he/she barely knows, how can you expect him to respect you in the long run?

14. When he/she puts you down. 

Worse still if it's in front of your friends. A relationship should be mutually supportive. We want each other to be the best they can be. If your partner insults you and laughs it off (we know the difference between a harmless joke and an insult) and in the process hurts your feelings without knowing he has (what a dimwit), run. 

That said, if he is honest with you about what you can do better (and done in private), that's a different story. 

15. When he/she's violent with you.

This ties in with the previous one. And the one before. If he hits you, he's not respecting you. Same goes for her okay? (Remember the incident where the girl repeated hit the guy's genitals in public?)
Nope she's not helping him jerk off.
If you two are fighting (and I mean real fighting fighting Rihanna-Chris Brown style), get out of the relationship. Immediately. Geez, did you really think you can be happy in that relationship?!!!

Although "Goodbye" need not necessarily be a bad thing. =)


  1. Saya sokong 100%!


    P/s: any more suria leading lady roles??

    Hahn The big fan

  2. Truly feel it from your post..
    Absolutely can feel where it is coming from...
    hope to see u soon..or perhaps for a drink some day