Sunday, 20 November 2011

I don't know what I did. Or rather, I can't remember...

I wasn't even given trial, perhaps my offence didn't even require one.
I was put to jail immediately.

A bare cell, stacked beds so small one could not even straighten her legs to sleep, with only enough height to climb into. I've visited prisons before, and I don't remember them being so small. All I have is the blue and black 3/4-sleeved dress I love so much. (I don't even know why they allowed me to have that, and why I ony have that).

I have no contact with anyone other than the girls in my cell. Suddenly, I can't check my phone to see if you called, or sent me a message. I can't let you know where I am. Will you worry? Will you know?

I don't know if my mum knows. Will the police tell her? I'm sure they will.

I'm more woried about you. Or rather, whether you will know where I am. Whether you will worry about me. Whether you still care. Now that I'm here, there's no way of finding out, is there? Till the day I get released, there is no point in me wondering about the things I will never have the answers to. But I miss you, and my heart aches for you, for the fact that I won't get to see you anymore during the time I'm here. For the possibility of forever losing you because you may not be there anymore when I'm done with my time here.

My first morning there, they gave us assignments. Simple mathematics assignments. I flipped open the workbook.

8 x 5 =

5 + 7 - 3 =

3 x 9 =

I couldn't believe it. Laopa (my godfather) visited. I don't know how HE knows, of all people. I asked for paper. To write with. And they obliged. I wanted to write so many things. I wanted to write to you, to tell you what happened, to tell you where I am, to ask you what I'm not even sure of - to wait for me or to just move on without me...

I wanted to write to my Mum. To tell her I love her and sis and the family.

I wanted to record every single day of my being here. My thoughts, my dreams, what I do here.
Time away from you to think...what a joke...maybe it's god's way of forcing me to really think about what I want without being able to contact you. But this punishment hurts. Maybe it'll pass. But for now, I'm torn between pining for you and deciding to just concentrate on making myself better. I want to do both, and at the same time I want to choose one... I don't want to give you up, but I don't want to let you go...

I woke up. And I look around me and it's my hotel room in Taidung. I looked at the time - 6:55am.

I feel strange. What was that about? Was it a message?
I scrambled to look for my phone. No new message. I opened my Whatsapp and tapped on your name.

"last seen today at 3:59"

I feel empty again. Lost and empty. And unsure, insecure. "Talk to you later", but once again, I didn't get any calls...

For reasons maybe only I understand, tears welled up. I won't call to demand anytihing. I won't call to blame, or to scold. I don't want you to feel that that's what I'm all about - trying to control your life. I just want you to feel that you can be able to love me freely the way you want to. If you still want to.

Another lonely night, another tearful morning....What will be, will be.

2 comments:

  1. Hi Silver,

    Been following your blog for quite awhile and I miss the carefree happy you.

    I really hope that you can walk out of all this "relationship darkness" and really find the happiness that belongs to only you.

    Be strong girl! Jia you! You have many fans, readers out there who cares for you!

    I hope we can see the day when you become truly happy.

    Lots of hugs and best wishes to you!!

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  2. I had similar dreams too. I do not know what to say as i cannot put a word to it. But deep down from my heart I really wish you well.

    Maybe this too shall pass, one day time will tell.

    :D Cheer up! Is all I can say.

    ReplyDelete