Tuesday, 11 October 2011

I Need Peace

Life has been full of its ups and downs for me the past year, and in recent months, plenty of lows in my life.

Loss of money, a damaged relationship, loss of assignments, loss of a friend I once held so dear, relationships which have me not knowing what to do, loss of my key pouch with ALL my keys, an anxious dog which I can't change (and I sometimes wonder if I even should try to), getting flamed by random haters for I-have-no-idea-what-I-have-done-wrong reasons, and most recently, losing my iPhone which Mummy bought for me for my birthday just 3 months ago, just this afternoon.

Can my life get any worse? Any lower than this? Any more setbacks waiting around to see if I will crumble and lie there, beat and defeated?

I feel so tired and drained recently, I really am. I really do want to be able to blog every single day for all of you who come in daily to read me. I know none of this depressing content is what you come in here for, but I feel I need to let you guys know. I don't want you to feel that I have become complacent with my blog, that I feel that I have become "somebody" (no..I have never ever felt that way, trust me.) and thus I don't have to blog so often anymore. No, it's not anything close. I am who I am, the hits I get daily, the *page ranks locally and globally that I am in, because of you. Every single one of you who has read me in my earlier blogging days since late 2009.

*By the way, you can check all the website's ranks on www.alexa.com. Yes, it is true that Xiaxue is Singapore's most-read blog at a local traffic ranking of 436 as of now. =) Mine? I rank 4033. You can go have fun checking all the traffic rankings of the blogs you read later when you finish this post. I made a few surprise discoveries of some blogs I thought were really popular, and others I never knew of. ;)

Yes, this blog is officially started on the 19th October 2009, and it is coming to its 2nd anniversary in slightly more than a week. Humble beginnings, I started simply because I wanted people to be reacquainted with me. I wanted my friends to be able to know what's going on in my life, and I wanted to be able to have my life's little trivialities penned down so I could revisit them later in my life if I needed, or wanted to.

Throughout these 2 years of blogging, I have grown into my own writing style, to one somewhat commercial one as the social media and advertising direction turned towards blogs. I try to still be me, and I noticed that somewhere along the line, the blog I started had taken a life of her own, with her own little community of followers and readers. Thank you for being such a wonderful audience. You have showered compliments, critism, and both positive and negative comments, some inspiring ones which have made me see some things in a different light, and some which either made me laugh or cry.

In recent months, one setback after another found their ways to me, and for the more discerning eyes and souls, you detect a me who has gone missing. Missing in being personal to you. Missing in sharing all the bits of my life here with you. Missing. Just not like the funny, jovial, sometimes rant-y, sometimes insightful me which some of you have grown to like me for earlier. I used to blog about almost everything I think interesting I could share with you daily. These days, weeks, months, maybe it's negativity and burden and whatever silly excuses you may help me conjure that has bogged me down, nothing much has inspired writing.

I see all of that, I do. And I feel it too. And that is why I am writing today. It's about time life had enough fun with messing around with me, and that I start being...me...again. I'm not letting it eat me up whole. You know, I have not felt myself properly in a long time. I know that will change and happen very very soon. I just know it.

Because despite life throwing all the little pebbles and stones it has to my face for the past few months, I have a successful mother who loves me, a sister whom I can talk about almost everything to, friends who are real and genuine and supportive, and people who really, genuinely love me despite all the hiccups we may have. And though I don't have a slim low-fat body with legs to die for, I have been blessed with health, and intellect, and an intact body with limbs intact and face unscarred, the ability to still be able to see, type, sing, dance, LIVE.

For all the things life has blessed me with (that we take for granted all the time), I think I can stand up and be me again. I know I have been saying this, but soon, soon. I can't wait to see myself spread my broken-&-mended-wings and fly again. That Silver you used to read? I sense that she is reviving soon.

Thank you for choosing to walk with me...


Resolving&RestructuringMyself,

15 comments:

  1. your rank is higher than dy's! (:

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  2. Hope to see you back soon! Oh and u look better without bangs >.<

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  3. Go for it Silver. We all have our ups and downs and the downs are never nice.
    As my football coach used to say - it's not that you got knocked down, it's how you get up that counts.
    Love your blog.
    Woody

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  4. I'm feeling the same way too. I used to tell myself, since I started working in my present company, nothing has gone right.

    I've been there for 6 months now and looking forward to the next challenge when I'm in Australia next year. We should be

    thankful nothing worse has happened, especially when we're riders.

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  5. It's not really easy to be yourself nowadays. But it doesn't mean we shouldn't be trying to be one. I'm sure your blog inspire a lot people in some ways or another. 加油!People love you for who you are. ;)

    broccoli

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  6. I love your blog. And from what I have read, I know you are one hell of a fighter. Don't give up and I'll be waiting to see you spread your wings again. :)

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  7. Dont give up! You know you have many supporters out there who will always be supporting you :)

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  8. Life is never a bed of roses. But hey, that doesn't mean that you can't enjoy the sweets in life, ya. :) Cheer up, love what u do to continue doing what you love, and everything else will fall into place. :) Jiayou!

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  9. today is my birthday..and i think my girlfriend just silently says she wants a break up...what a day..

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  10. Silver, am having alot of setbacks too for the last 2 years and its been a hard time for me..same like u, i hope i can spread my broken wings very very soon..may both u n my life going to be well soon..

    and to Anonymous October 11,2011 11:27pm, hope u will get happiness soon too:)

    broken wings

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  11. Stay strong Silver. You've got friends and supporters the world over. And remember - lost keys, cash, iphones, or assignments are small matters in the grand scheme of things. You haven't lost those things most dear: your confidence, your ambition, and your determination.
    Take care :)

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  12. You must be a really tough girl Silver! Sincerely pray you'll be blessed with the peace u're searching for... And find yr soulmate in due course, you definitely deserve one! :) Love reading yr blog, take care! <3

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  13. Hey Silver..cheer up!:)
    I empathise with you, trust me, everyone in this world is going through hard times like you did. But don't lose hope!It's tough times like such that makes us stronger than b4;)You will eventually see the light at the end of the tunnel!

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  14. Hello sliver remember don't give up yourself , sunshine will after the rain :) stay happy always care......

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  15. SA,

    Life throws ups and downs at everyone.

    I have learned that when I get over emotional periods I can look back on what I considered failures.

    Look for lessons learned in such events, and apply what is learned to future jobs, relations, or whatever area the hard lesson was learned.

    Moving on is vital. Dwelling on the past only cements one firmly in that past.

    Looking forward, learning more about oneself, how to like oneself, how to make on a better person. There is only Silver Ang, there will never be another, no one with your smile, no one with the same voice, same ability to love or to not love. Only one Silver whose blog prose have graced these pages for nearly two years.

    No one is perfect, no human is capable of perfection.

    The bottom line in lifes decisions can be boiled down to whether one selects good or evil, right over wrong.

    When one strays to long onto a dark path, then life can be complicated by to many events the wrong side of ethical living takes one.

    Wishing you nothing but a life for two years more and beyond...

    Peace be with you my friend!

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