I had wanted to write this weeks ago, but somehow then, I couldn't really articulate my thoughts. I'm not sure I can still, but I figured I should get this off my chest.
One day ex-boyfriend (yes, Joel, or Nicholas, whichever name you remember him by) made me listen to this song by Anthony...
I would be lying if I said I didn't tear.
Especially when I know you did.
After all, when you have trusted and loved, and gotten hurt by the very same person, you try your best to move on...
Then when you have decided to let him die inside you, and he comes back apologizing, wanting so bad to make it up to you after all he has done, and you know that the guilt and hurt he feels is genuine, it will hurt.
Because you've moved on. And knowing that he is too late somehow hurts. Because you know it could have been so much more. If only he had respected and appreciated you before as much as he does now. Before things became the way they have become.
Have you ever felt this way? That when you so wanted him to stay, he just walked away without even turning to look back. And you let your heart die, and after you did everything in your power to tell yourself he will never be worth it again, he comes back, full of genuine remorse, wanting you back, telling you that he was a fool and was blinded. That he has left the very girl he left you for in the first place so that he could come back, because without you, he will never be complete, he says. And then you feel stuck.
It had my heart cramped. Like I didn't know how to feel.
Because I have already, without intention, given other people a chance.
Because for someone you have loved, you will always have a soft spot for him, especially when he's regretful.
Because deep down inside, I was still angry with him for doing what he did. I was still upset that he could be violent to me just because he didn't want me to touch his phone. I was still hurt that he could bring another girl home casually, just like that. I was disgusted with the fact that he said "other girls wanted him too". I was disappointed that he always breaks his promises to me, to bring me to Japan, to bring me to RWS for Universal Studios and to buy my VS bras, to bring me to MBS just because I've never been, to bring me to East Coast cycling, because I mentioned it would be nice. All the things that he said he would do, he never did.
Because I know that I will never forget, and I don't know if I can ever forgive...
Because I still believe he is a good person, just that he made some fairly stupid decisions.
And because I really want to give this new person I'm seeing a fair chance.
I really want to, but how can I trust him again?
How long will it be before he pulls another stunt on me? He's not that kind of person, he once said. I tried to believe him. I tried hard, you know, I did
Then when I finally trusted him (after so much effort put in to earn my trust again), he proved my initial instincts right, once again. -.-"
Now he tells me he wants to set his life straight, and it will definitely include me, that he was sorry for everything he has done.
Sorry doesn't turn back time...
A part of me wished I had not moved on, and that maybe I should have given myself a longer time to grieve. And hoped he would return...
Then again, I don't know if I would be able to let go of what happened and start anew with him, after everything... I don't know if he can prove to friends, family, readers, that he will love me for good. Yes, he no longer has to just prove to me and me alone. Everyone will be watching him, waiting for him to commit yet another mistake. Can he take the stress? Can I take the pressure of risking another chance to be called "stupid woman" by annoying strangers? Can he prove himself sincere for good?
Another part of me is happy I moved on, because I gave myself a chance to feel pleasant emotions again, to be happy with someone else. I'm now in a happier place. Foreign ground, yes, but no longer bitter, no longer constantly resentful. Those are terrible emotions, trust me. New relationships have less complications, definitely. I'm not in any position to compare, not that I want to. It wouldn't be fair to anyone.
One thing is for sure: I smile more now. And I have so much less negativity in my life I think I even look better. Yes sometimes the mind takes me back to a time not so long ago, and it gets my heart cramped again. But I know, for me to get back with the guy who pushed me down so hard, it will not happen. Not in the near future anyway. You're so unpredictable it scares me. And I don't know how well I can handle relationship uncertainties anymore. Life's many surprises, I can take them. Relationships? I think I need one where I can feel secure in.
I'm starting over, trudging carefully on soft ground.
Maybe if I get dumped (yet again, but CHOICHOICHOICHOICHOI la!), and you happen to be still hanging around waiting for me, I might take into account your sincerity and reconsider. But it may be a rather long wait, because right now, I'm appreciated, I feel loved and wanted, I'm happy. I warn you: this person may never want to dump me. And should that be the case, it would be your loss.
Because I really deserve to be loved. Not just momentarily, but for life.