Monday, 25 July 2011

Sorry?

I had wanted to write this weeks ago, but somehow then, I couldn't really articulate my thoughts. I'm not sure I can still, but I figured I should get this off my chest.

One day ex-boyfriend (yes, Joel, or Nicholas, whichever name you remember him by) made me listen to this song by Anthony...

 I would be lying if I said I didn't tear. 
Especially when I know you did.

After all, when you have trusted and loved, and gotten hurt by the very same person, you try your best to move on...

Then when you have decided to let him die inside you, and he comes back apologizing, wanting so bad to make it up to you after all he has done, and you know that the guilt and hurt he feels is genuine, it will hurt.

Because you've moved on. And knowing that he is too late somehow hurts. Because you know it could have been so much more. If only he had respected and appreciated you before as much as he does now. Before things became the way they have become.


Have you ever felt this way? That when you so wanted him to stay, he just walked away without even turning to look back. And you let your heart die, and after you did everything in your power to tell yourself he will never be worth it again, he comes back, full of genuine remorse, wanting you back, telling you that he was a fool and was blinded. That he has left the very girl he left you for in the first place so that he could come back, because without you, he will never be complete, he says. And then you feel stuck.

It had my heart cramped. Like I didn't know how to feel. 

Because I have already, without intention, given other people a chance.

Because for someone you have loved, you will always have a soft spot for him, especially when he's regretful.

Because deep down inside, I was still angry with him for doing what he did. I was still upset that he could be violent to me just because he didn't want me to touch his phone. I was still hurt that he could bring another girl home casually, just like that. I was disgusted with the fact that he said "other girls wanted him too". I was disappointed that he always breaks his promises to me, to bring me to Japan, to bring me to RWS for Universal Studios and to buy my VS bras, to bring me to MBS just because I've never been, to bring me to East Coast cycling, because I mentioned it would be nice. All the things that he said he would do, he never did.

Because I know that I will never forget, and I don't know if I can ever forgive...
 Because I still believe he is a good person, just that he made some fairly stupid decisions.

 And because I really want to give this new person I'm seeing a fair chance.


I really want to, but how can I trust him again?

How long will it be before he pulls another stunt on me? He's not that kind of person, he once said. I tried to believe him. I tried hard, you know, I did

Then when I finally trusted him (after so much effort put in to earn my trust again), he proved my initial instincts right, once again. -.-"

Now he tells me he wants to set his life straight, and it will definitely include me, that he was sorry for everything he has done.

Sorry doesn't turn back time...

A part of me wished I had not moved on, and that maybe I should have given myself a longer time to grieve. And hoped he would return...
Then again, I don't know if I would be able to let go of what happened and start anew with him, after everything... I don't know if he can prove to friends, family, readers, that he will love me for good. Yes, he no longer has to just prove to me and me alone. Everyone will be watching him, waiting for him to commit yet another mistake. Can he take the stress? Can I take the pressure of risking another chance to be called "stupid woman" by annoying strangers? Can he prove himself sincere for good?

Another part of me is happy I moved on, because I gave myself a chance to feel pleasant emotions again, to be happy with someone else. I'm now in a happier place. Foreign ground, yes, but no longer bitter, no longer constantly resentful. Those are terrible emotions, trust me. New relationships have less complications, definitely. I'm not in any position to compare, not that I want to. It wouldn't be fair to anyone.

One thing is for sure: I smile more now. And I have so much less negativity in my life I think I even look better. Yes sometimes the mind takes me back to a time not so long ago, and it gets my heart cramped again. But I know, for me to get back with the guy who pushed me down so hard, it will not happen. Not in the near future anyway. You're so unpredictable it scares me. And I don't know how well I can handle relationship uncertainties anymore. Life's many surprises, I can take them. Relationships? I think I need one where I can feel secure in.

I'm starting over, trudging carefully on soft ground.
Maybe if I get dumped (yet again, but CHOICHOICHOICHOICHOI la!), and you happen to be still hanging around waiting for me, I might take into account your sincerity and reconsider. But it may be a rather long wait, because right now, I'm appreciated, I feel loved and wanted, I'm happy. I warn you: this person may never want to dump me. And should that be the case, it would be your loss. 

谁叫你当初不懂得珍惜?

Because I really deserve to be loved. Not just momentarily, but for life.


最懂得一辈子珍惜我的人最值得爱我一辈子,
*~Silver~*

13 comments:

  1. I'm glad that you still have confidence in yourself. Allow yourself to be loved by the person you are currently with. You deserve it. Everyone deserves to be happy but yet, our happiness is so often dependent on others, especially people whom we love. People we love have the greatest power to ruin our happiness. They are also the ones who can make us feel like nothing else in the world matters. Good Luck, Silver!

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  2. u go gal..stay strong..

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  3. Silver,

    One must not lose sight of the fact that to Love someone is an action.

    Love is a verb. To LOVE someone is to take an action forward.

    If you accept who you are, and like all of humankind who are deeply flawed, so are you.

    Love is more than a physical and sexual relationship. Love takes the bond of friendship to new levels. New levels of trust, new levels of thought and new levels of spiritual and emotional bonding.

    The problem with many is that love, (purposefully lower case here) is only thought of in the physical and sexual context.

    Such love is immature, and destined to fail.
    In fact there is another an more accurate term describing those who only see love in the physical desiring of another.

    Lust. Lust is for those who crave sexual satisfaction. That type of satisfaction can come from another without real LOVE or friendship developing. When the physical glow wears off the desire to remain with a partner quickly diminishes as one realizes that beyond sex there is often little to keep a couple together.

    I wish you well.

    David

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  4. Hi ,

    you may think your only choices are to swallow your heart cramps or throw it in someone's face. There's a third option; just let it go... and only when you do that it is really gone and you can move forward with your life.
    And that is the perfect ending to a perfect love story... it just wasn't yours... and yours is still out there, waiting for you. All the best!

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  5. best news i have heard in a long time! :D

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  6. Jia you! in my opinion, you've already made it through the worst part, which is to get over him and move on.. i'm at the moving on stage but he is already back and trying to convince me, so i haven't revealed my true thoughts to him. at the moment i can't bear to let him go and to endure everything, from everyone around me.

    i encourage you to be objective and remind yourself what he did and how likely it is to happen again. even now i remind myself constantly not to expect too much. don't make a decision you'll regret :)

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  7. silverrrrrrrr..just wanna ask u..what happen with the Magic Fish aa...dead already aa?

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  8. Anon July 27>> Why are they all like that??? Do something gravely wrong then wants back? Us being creatures of soft hearts don't do us much favours... =(

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  9. I feel you..
    He left and i tried so hard to move on.
    Getting use to life without him, he came back again.. Reminding so much of the past.

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  10. I like that song too! Have posted it on my blog before too.

    Well, if u have already moved on then u can't be soft-hearted and look back. Must be firm. Jiayou!!

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  11. thatsilvergirl said...
    Anon July 27>> Why are they all like that??? Do something gravely wrong then wants back? Us being creatures of soft hearts don't do us much favours... =(

    yeh, exactly how i feel. and why does it have to happen to people who put their everything into the relationship? its just sucky, i don't know about you but for me, its after 4.5 yrs that i found out what he wants and what i want is completely different. suddenly he says he was 'zai fu yan wo' when he said all those things, that he don't know why he said it cos he didn't mean it. like what the hell right?? then now he's back and acting like nothing is wrong, so much so i don't dare to believe anything he says anymore.

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  12. Silver, i think u deserve a best person in your life who loves and treasure u most. I love your indian dance which you danced for Thullovathu Ellamai program and your Vijayanthi drama. Your expressions was very good. All the best to you gal.

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