Wednesday, 8 December 2010

痛而已嘛,会过的...

Just a few day ago, I came across this with someone I know...

 A slashed wrist.

What was shocking to me was not the act itself, but that the subject in question is all of just 15 years old.
That's the same age as my sister.
Incidentally someone I was talking to told me one of his ex-girlfriends has commited suicide, not because of him thank god, but there must have been a serious underlying reason causing her to make such a depressing decision.

Someone I used to date had his ex-girlfriend slash her wrist and kill herself in his bedroom on his very birthday...

Till date he has never celebrated his birthday, and for obvious reasons he never brings anyone home, not even me, whom he had suggested getting a place together in nearby Kuala Lumpur. 
I didn't go of course, or there wouldn't be this blog, and I wouldn't have you lovely guys here with me, nor my current career in acting.

Many people around us have been depressed and have tried to take their own lives, at some point in their lives, for many reasons.
The girl whose wrist was shown said that she did it because she felt that there were so many people giving her chances to do the things she likes, so many people were pinning high hopes on her, yet she was a glue addict. She's a really talented girl, and very smart, based on the conversations I had with her. She wanted to stop her addiction, and possibly due to stress, pressure, and a moment of folly, she decided to cut her wrist. Whether it was a tantrum, or a real suicide attempt, only she knows... She knows now that it comes with a price, that it's freaking painful, especially when it's trying to heal, and that if someone had sent her to the hospital, she'd have gotten a police case, and the police aren't exactly who you want to meddle with because they're hell troublesome and you then have to go to their headquarters for tonnes of interviews.

The girl who killed herself in my friend's bedroom? She felt neglected? She wanted attention? She obviously wanted my friend to remember her for life, and he did, in the most painful manner. But what she had lost sight of was that she still had access to his place...so all was not lost if he didn't chase her out, right? It meant things could still possibly be rectified, no?





Let me share with you my own story...



I was silly once. No, make that a number of times.  I had sat on the ledge of a 12th storey corridor once. No, it wasn't to kill myself. I'm too pretty to want to die crushed or smashed. It was an attempt to get the attention of someone I once loved. Someone who had me play second fiddle to the 'ex-girlfriend who always threatened her (with what I can't remember) whenever break-up was mentioned', for 2 years. 

Sadly for me, it caught the attention of neighbours in the next block and the police were involved. It was a mad struggle to break free from the strong arms of young uniformed men, together with some kpo neighbours. I was told later on that in my attempt to break free, I had bitten a neighbour fiercely and caused him to have to head for the hospital. You have no idea how it feels to be pinned down by 5-6 men, all trying to handcuff you and strap you down into a stretcher. 

Even the act of remembering this is painful. And I wonder if I had been trying too hard to get attention. I was even sent into IMH for this, as they deemed me mentally unstable then. You don't want to be there if you're a perfectly sane person. Windows were metal-wire netted, you have no access to a phone unless the nurse grants you permission, and you have insane people smiling at you, cooking stuff from an imaginary stove and trying to feed you with it, or even standing by your bed while you sleep. It scared the shit outta me. 

And guess what? When I tried to call the person whose attention I was trying to get and whom I then loved so fiercely, she refused to pick up the phone. And when she did, she blamed me for causing shame to her and her family.

That was painful, and my heart died right there.


I had to be interviewed by the police later on and they kept asking me why I had to be so silly. Wrong move. Especially for someone who had no intention of killing herself. I actually told them there was no point in living if life was meaningless, because I really felt the truth in that statement. That was a wrong move from me as well, because they then deemed me suicidal. But what I had failed to see when I made that statement was that just 1 year down the road, I would join a nationwide singing competition and start my career as an artiste, something I had always wanted to do since I was just a little girl... 

Lesson? Want to drama attract attention? Do it in a safe place where you know you won't get yourself hurt, and do it at home, if you don't want police dragging you off in a stretcher....


Fast forward a few years, and I guessed even then I had not truly grown up and appreciated the people and the things around me. Either that or I had forgotten my true value. My ex-boyfriend whom I sometimes still shed tears for had grown cold. This was someone who had proposed just a year before the breakup. I had turned him down because as much as I loved him, I wasn't ready. But I lived with him at his place, and were very much a happy couple until about 6 months into his flying career. Yes he joined the cabin crew later on, so that he could 'see the world with me'. I guessed he saw more. Or he overlooked the fact that I have become neglected and down, simply because he seemed happier touring with new friends he met onboard, than when he was touring with me on flights I took much pains to change for just to fly with him. He became a changed man, and I wondered later on if I had been too sensitive, for mutual friends told me he was a guy who loved me dearly....

To cut the story short, I swallowed pills. Lots of them. Whatever pills I could find from past medications prescribed for different ailments, I took. 

Needless to say, I was sent to the hospital, had my gut pumped out, and made further depressed.
That depression didn't make me a better, more lovable person. Who becomes lovable when they're depressed? It'll only drive people further away. What they all fail to see is that someone depressed needs more tender love and care than someone who's happy and cheery the whole time. Yes the latter is easier to love, but the former needs it more. Think about it the next time you decide to pull yourself away from someone who's in depression, and help pull him/her out.

We broke up shortly after.


This took me a lot of courage to write and share with all of you. But I'm glad they're over, and I'm living my life on my terms being a blogger/artiste, earning my keep doing the things I like. Heartbreak? Deal with it. 哭累了就好了。 Stress? Problems? Oh come on.. 船到桥头自然直. It's true.

I know many of you are young, and may at times feel foolish and too depressed to think properly. But really, pain will pass. And you will look back and be glad it made you stronger.

痛而已嘛,痛不会死人的。对,死了是不会痛,但死了就看不到以后的快乐了,不是吗?

Cry, scream, shout, call a friend, go listen to songs and cry harder, then think of me.
Had I died, would I be here? Would I have become the pretty lady you see today, writing for you, sometimes touching your hearts, sometimes making you laugh?
Would I have become the blogger I am today, with so many people knowing and loving me and so many sponsors pampering me with new clothes, beauty products and services which I get to then share with you? Would I have acted in all the shows listed in my sidebar?
Would I become the female lead in an upcoming Vasantham drama?
Would I have been given the chance to do my first ever telemovie, "Love in a Cab" and have thousands of people see me on the big screen on its preview screening?

I wouldn't.

And I wouldn't have Alton today...



Mistakes? Everyone makes them. Drug addict and so you're depressed? Rejoice man! At least you know it's a mistake now. Mistakes are meant to be made. Learn from it, and live on a better person. Luckily for that girl, she didn't die, and I'm glad the girl knows her mistake, and the pain that follows now that she's only 15. So in the years ahead, she's not likely to make that mistake again.

And love? Love comes and goes. It can take a lifetime to find the right one. Live to find that person. And live on happily ever after with him. Good things are worth the wait.

Honestly, your parents might have gone through more pain bringing you up. Yes you may have your petty arguments and big fights, but deep inside, you know they'll be around for you when you need them. Don't let them go through such a painful ordeal as having to arrange a funeral for their child. For as many years as you have lived, they have put in as many number of years of effort bringing you up. How long can your stress/problem/relationship last? Is it worth hurting your parents for? They will live on, with the pain, and really, do you want that?

跌倒了,摔伤了,爬起来再站好。
伤愈合时,会痛,但痛会过的。
伤好了,会有疤痕,但伤...会痊愈...


Love yourself, and better people will love you...
*~Silver~*

10 comments:

  1. Very brave of you silver! Hope it'll encourage all those who need it. :)

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  2. I love tis post! Jiayou Silver!!

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  3. It's a very positive and encouraging post! :) Without sadness and pain, how are we suppose to feel real happiness and blissfulness? there's always the extremes ends of feelings that we need to feel in order to know 快乐 & 幸福。let's all jiayou in attaining happiness in life! xD

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  4. ohmy you were with a girl?
    It is so good to read such deep content from you. It must be so painful to think about your past and share this with your readers. Thanks so much.

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  5. Hi Silver, different people seek different things in relationships. Some need more attention than others, while others require more freedom. If someone can't give you what you need, you're better off without them. Someday you'll find someone who's a perfect fit.

    Until then, enjoy all that life has to offer. You have so much going for you. Alton, an interesting career, a damn cool bike, the list goes on. Make it your mission to live every single moment as happily as you can. :)

    If it helps, complain as much as you like here. Your readers will laugh and cry with you.

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  6. Unable to believe that such a cheery girl like you was like that before.... I hope people will stop doing things to harm themselves. My mother always tell me, this type of people are stupid. Die already no pain, but their parents will be very devastated...

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  7. Actually it tks alot of courage to commit suicide or hurt themselves. I have friends doing these to themselves over the years. Its hard to justify the amount of stress they had and etc. Each and everyone have different level of tolerance.. they must be feeling very helpless too.

    Seriously speaking, not many friends are willing to listen patiently.. esp those happy-go-lucky types.. they will nv understand the emotional ups/downs of e depressed person.

    I was depressed before too.. under 1.5yr of medications for depression + anxiety disorder + insonmia... till now im still very emotional at times...

    I am really glad tt u r doing well now. Living and enjoying ur life. Building up ur career and etc. I also hope i can find tt kind of motivation in life.

    Anyway, we were from the same primary school. LianHua Primary! haha..

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  8. This was a really inspiring post. Sorry to sound rude, but were you bisexual? If you find the question offensive, you don't have to answer. Thanks.

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  9. This post touched me on a personal level. Just know that I know how you felt, I've been there... every step of the way and although stupid now, I was in so much emotional pain at that moment. & Yes, in the end time itself heals most of the pain - you then get the opportunity to laugh at how stupid you were and think "what the heck was I thinking?!?!". Live and learn right? :)

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  10. Everyone has their own piece of story. All I know is people who love you will never ever in their life want you to jeopardize your life for the sake of them.

    One of the reasons you get into a relationship, is because you enjoy the attention the person gives you. If attention for each other is what you hope for, it definitely has to be discussed in a controlled situation. However in no case, would I see any need for anybody to put themselves in a spot to gain the attention of the other. It does not solve any problems, and it’s a doorway to more problems. The very fact that you tried so hard to communicate with your partner but to no avail just shows that things would not be the way you wanted from the beginning. It just makes the person look/feel so foolish themselves and in front of others. Anybody even a friend will never bare themselves to see this happen.

    If we are unable to come into terms with matters like these, I guess there is no point at all trying to hang on in the relationship.

    I know it’s hard to cope with the emotions of losing someone you love dearly. However, we have to know how much we will stand to lose out if we lose ourselves out of folly. I always believe in change. Scars as a result will never perish forever. Not only will our friends see that, but people you meet along the way e.g. employers, relatives, doctors and most importantly people you want to be with for a long time, like great friends and a partner. You know you have changed, but the perspective of others hardly ever does waver. Insensitive people will start giving you a hard time e.g. stupid glances, unwanted speculation behind your back. Some people will start asking, the whole experience of explaining of what gave you that “courage” to punish yourself brings back memories that some may never want to revisit again. Nothing is more tormenting than that, not even the wounds themselves. You try so hard to change. You did it. But the history keeps coming back to haunt. As friends we should always try to provide and console those around us who are in need of some enlightenment.

    Just remember never would anyone with a heart to love you want that to happen to you. Never once should we put ourselves through such tormenting ordeals much less for an individual who doesn’t have to heart for us.

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