What exactly is it? Yes we all know when we're seeing a couple in love, looking into each other's eyes, talking and laughing together...we recognise those signs. What if those signs are not there? Is it still called love?
Recently, I met up with a friend whom I have not seen in ages. And I mean years kinda ages. We used to be close, hanging out almost every day and going out at night and staying out late past 2am...chatting about everything from boliao to intellectual, playing and laughing... This friend was one of those few I can connect on all levels with. Even financial business talks. It was easy hanging out with this friend because we were on the same frequncy level on everything. Yeah okay we used to go out for a while, but we didn't become a couple or anything la. We were just very comfortable being great friends. Then by some sudden twist of fate this friend disappeared from my life as much as I did his. No partings (because we weren't like, officially 'together'), no sappy goodbyes. We just suddenly stopped looking each other up. 7 years ago.
Then not too long ago he called and said he wanted to meet up to send me a wedding invite. I was shocked. Because this guy whom I knew - I would NEVER have associated him with being the marrying kind. He just wasn't. But I guess when the right person comes knocking your door will open.
So we met. Weeks after his wedding which I didn't get to attend because we were so busy he didn't manage to pass me the invite.
And we were chatting and talking about where the years in between went. How life planned itself and how we both got so busy with school and everything. Funny thing was, despite being a little sad that I disappeared from his life and him mine, we never felt angry at each other for vanishing. We met up and chatted like how we used to. It felt really good to know that other than the fact that we've aged by so many years (I've known him for 10), we're still the same. I look better than I did 10 years ago la of course. And because of life experiences we now have so much more to talk about. So sometimes aging is a great thing. Lol~
Then I started asking about his wife. I'm genuinely happy for him that he found someone whom he decided he could settle his life down with, and absolutely curious about who this wonderful lady might be, and what she did. This guy's all about feel and timing. A lot like me. But I haven't gotten to the point where I want to settle down yet of course. He told me the timing was right, and that she's nice, all the usual things people say when they want to get married with someone.
From our little conversation that night, I understood that he stayed out late with friends often, and she doesn't interfere or ask too much or demand that he come home to accompany her. I admire that. Honestly. That's a hell understanding woman~ Because if I really love someone, I'm the clingy to death kind. Going out with a group of friends? Bring me!! Introduce me to your friends and let's all hang out together~ Isn't that good? Of cos one-on-one meetings with friends I won't ask that of you la, because I understand you guys meet up to catch up, but big group outings? Why not? I would want to show you to all my friends if I really love you. Nothing wrong with a bit of socialising. And there's no guilt trip should you decide to stay out late with them cos you have me there to understand what's going on.
I then asked a question which stemmed from my inference: "Do you love her?"
He couldn't answer. It seemed like he wasn't sure. "I care about her."
"Don't you want to go home, be in bed with her and hug her to sleep?"
"We are like 老夫老妻，结婚 50年了的那种 lor...I do my own things she don't really chup, she do her things I also never really interfere that kind..."
I'm suddenly reminded of my own relationship.
I'm seeing someone whom I hardly laugh with anymore. And I find that really disturbing already. We hardly chat about things but I attribute it to being together for some time already so maybe it's normal. Not that I like it because I have dated someone for 2 years and still have had a lot to talk about with. It's like something has gone missing, somewhere, somehow. Disappeared. Like the presence of this friend in my life 7 years ago.
I mean, I know he cares. A few weeks ago, I stayed over and woke up to a breakfast tray of prata when he should've been working. He had taken mc to spend time with me. That's supposed to be a good thing, right? But these days, when we have our meals together and I look into his eyes just because, his eyes didn't seem interested. It was like he was uncomfortable with looking into my eyes. No "I feel so blessed to have you" look. No eyes-locked smile at each other. Nothing. He saw me keep staring, and finally looked at me (yes, all this while he was looking all over the place while still facing me, so he should know that I was staring all the while) and went "Yes baby? Why?"
I didn't know if I was being over-reactive. But at that moment I felt sad. Really sad. It wasn't a one-time thing. It had happened quite a lot recently. We hardly send or receive each other's smses anymore. We still meet, yes, but sometimes it felt so empty I wondered why we even did...
I know he cares. And I do too. But what is this? Love? A phase? The so-called "老夫老妻" thing? But we've only been seeing each other less than a year. Okay maybe because I've been busy these past few weeks. We still meet, just not the twice a day kind anymore. Then again, is that reason enough for the occasional emptiness I feel? Maybe. I don't know. I really don't.
I remember I was a hopeless romantic. The 爱情大过天 kind of person. And will do anything for that one person I love.
I used to drive from Woodlands to Tampines every morning at 6 just to send my love to Dover for work. Without fail. And I would do the same in the evening to get the love home. During breaks we would head out to somewhere nice like Kent Ridge or Holland V, just to spend some private time together. The coffee or makan was just an excuse. We'd chat, and laugh, and discuss thoughts. Or we'd just cuddle in the car, holding hands and listening to songs on the radio.
I would burn a CD full of songs with messages I wanted to express. And songs I knew the love would like. And play them whenever we're in the car together. (Yes now I ride, but I used to drive.)
I used to also exchange letters with this guy I was seeing back in school. We would write to each other often, despite seeing each other every other day. It's our way of getting words out the way actions can't. And I would rewrite the entire thing if there was a slight mistake made, just because I didn't want liquid paper to ruin the feel of the letter. He was my 'tree' and I, his 'flower sheltered by the tree'. And I would make the letter pretty by drawing the tree and the little flower on it. He would seal the letter with wax, and present the letter with little stars for me, each star folded representing each time he missed me. And there were LOADS of stars...
I'm the kind who would stare deep into your eyes, touch your face, and marvel at us and how life and fate have brought us together, and just feel blessed to have you in my life...
And I'm the kind whose left hand would REFUSE to let go of your right hand even when I'm driving and making a U-turn (driving an auto car helped, of course). And would sneak quick peeks at you when I'm driving (quick peeks were all I could do to prevent myself getting into an accident).
I can go shopping for Christmas decorations, decorate the car and arrange the present nicely on the dashboard together with the rest of the decorations before heading to fetch you so when you sit down in the passenger's seat, you'll see the decorations and the present, get a nice little surprise, and feel warm and cosy.
I'm also the kind who will smile and feel blessed when we're talking and laughing really hard together, because I know how lucky it is to have someone you love and who loves you who can laugh with you.
Yes I'm that kind of person. The romantic.
And it feels awful when the person you're with doesn't speak your love language... Or worse, when you don't even speak your own love language with that person. At all, or anymore.
Back to my friend. He's the one who's married, not me. And there's no...what do you call that...passion? No "Man I wanna go back to my darling as soon as I can because I haven't seen her in more than 10 hours!!!" 冲动. No "Nah I should be home. She doesn't worry about me la, but I don't want her to be home alone without me" self-disciplined concern.
While writing this post at 3am, he's online. So I'm curious again and asked this question:
"you guys hold hands and talk boliao sweet nothings and hug and steal kisses when you go out?"
Hearing the "no" made my heart wrench, not because he was a guy I had great chemistry with and whom I knew was as spontaneous as anything, but because of the fact itself that they don't do these little acts of love, made more prominent by the fact that they're newly-weds who only met 2-3 years ago.
It's painful and sad isn't it?
Even if I become 老夫老妻 with my hubby, and 两鬓发白，面黄驼背，and have wrinkled skin and saggy breasts, I would still want my other half to hold my hand when we're together, to steal a kiss when we're out, to tell me things and laugh with me, to look at me in the eye and smile, to make me feel blessed that we have come so far together and treasure me, as much as I would want to do the same for him...
To me, that's how love should feel. I'm not being delusional, and those of you who wants to tell me that true love hardly happens, you've not felt it. Those who tell me you hardly marry the person you love the most, fine, I accept that. But never ever marry someone you don't love. It freaks me out thinking about it. It should be "Seek and Find", not "Seek and Settle"...
You only live once. 轰轰烈烈 一点。Live grandly. Love fiercely.
Love, Hugs, and Kisses,