Saturday, 27 November 2010

Love?

What exactly is it? Yes we all know when we're seeing a couple in love, looking into each other's eyes, talking and laughing together...we recognise those signs. What if those signs are not there? Is it still called love?

Recently, I met up with a friend whom I have not seen in ages. And I mean years kinda ages. We used to be close, hanging out almost every day and going out at night and staying out late past 2am...chatting about everything from boliao to intellectual, playing and laughing... This friend was one of those few I can connect on all levels with. Even financial business talks. It was easy hanging out with this friend because we were on the same frequncy level on everything. Yeah okay we used to go out for a while, but we didn't become a couple or anything la. We were just very comfortable being great friends. Then by some sudden twist of fate this friend disappeared from my life as much as I did his. No partings (because we weren't like, officially 'together'), no sappy goodbyes. We just suddenly stopped looking each other up. 7 years ago.

Then not too long ago he called and said he wanted to meet up to send me a wedding invite. I was shocked. Because this guy whom I knew - I would NEVER have associated him with being the marrying kind. He just wasn't. But I guess when the right person comes knocking your door will open.

So we met. Weeks after his wedding which I didn't get to attend because we were so busy he didn't manage to pass me the invite.


And we were chatting and talking about where the years in between went. How life planned itself and how we both got so busy with school and everything. Funny thing was, despite being a little sad that I disappeared from his life and him mine, we never felt angry at each other for vanishing. We met up and chatted like how we used to. It felt really good to know that other than the fact that we've aged by so many years (I've known him for 10), we're still the same. I look better than I did 10 years ago la of course. And because of life experiences we now have so much more to talk about. So sometimes aging is a great thing. Lol~

Then I started asking about his wife. I'm genuinely happy for him that he found someone whom he decided he could settle his life down with, and absolutely curious about who this wonderful lady might be, and what she did. This guy's all about feel and timing. A lot like me. But I haven't gotten to the point where I want to settle down yet of course. He told me the timing was right, and that she's nice, all the usual things people say when they want to get married with someone.

From our little conversation that night, I understood that he stayed out late with friends often, and she doesn't interfere or ask too much or demand that he come home to accompany her. I admire that. Honestly. That's a hell understanding woman~ Because if I really love someone, I'm the clingy to death kind. Going out with a group of friends? Bring me!! Introduce me to your friends and let's all hang out together~ Isn't that good? Of cos one-on-one meetings with friends I won't ask that of you la, because I understand you guys meet up to catch up, but big group outings? Why not? I would want to show you to all my friends if I really love you. Nothing wrong with a bit of socialising. And there's no guilt trip should you decide to stay out late with them cos you have me there to understand what's going on.

I then asked a question which stemmed from my inference: "Do you love her?"

He couldn't answer. It seemed like he wasn't sure. "I care about her."

"Don't you want to go home, be in bed with her and hug her to sleep?"

"We are like 老夫老妻,结婚 50年了的那种 lor...I do my own things she don't really chup, she do her things I also never really interfere that kind..."

I'm suddenly reminded of my own relationship.

I'm seeing someone whom I hardly laugh with anymore. And I find that really disturbing already. We hardly chat about things but I attribute it to being together for some time already so maybe it's normal. Not that I like it because I have dated someone for 2 years and still have had a lot to talk about with. It's like something has gone missing, somewhere, somehow. Disappeared. Like the presence of this friend in my life 7 years ago.

I mean, I know he cares. A few weeks ago, I stayed over and woke up to a breakfast tray of prata when he should've been working. He had taken mc to spend time with me. That's supposed to be a good thing, right? But these days, when we have our meals together and I look into his eyes just because, his eyes didn't seem interested. It was like he was uncomfortable with looking into my eyes. No "I feel so blessed to have you" look. No eyes-locked smile at each other. Nothing. He saw me keep staring, and finally looked at me (yes, all this while he was looking all over the place while still facing me, so he should know that I was staring all the while) and went "Yes baby? Why?"

I didn't know if I was being over-reactive. But at that moment I felt sad. Really sad. It wasn't a one-time thing. It had happened quite a lot recently. We hardly send or receive each other's smses anymore. We still meet, yes, but sometimes it felt so empty I wondered why we even did...

I know he cares. And I do too. But what is this? Love? A phase? The so-called "老夫老妻" thing? But we've only been seeing each other less than a year. Okay maybe because I've been busy these past few weeks. We still meet, just not the twice a day kind anymore. Then again, is that reason enough for the occasional emptiness I feel? Maybe. I don't know. I really don't.


I remember I was a hopeless romantic. The 爱情大过天 kind of person. And will do anything for that one person I love.

I used to drive from Woodlands to Tampines every morning at 6 just to send my love to Dover for work. Without fail. And I would do the same in the evening to get the love home. During breaks we would head out to somewhere nice like Kent Ridge or Holland V, just to spend some private time together. The coffee or makan was just an excuse. We'd chat, and laugh, and discuss thoughts. Or we'd just cuddle in the car, holding hands and listening to songs on the radio.

I would burn a CD full of songs with messages I wanted to express. And songs I knew the love would like. And play them whenever we're in the car together. (Yes now I ride, but I used to drive.)

I used to also exchange letters with this guy I was seeing back in school. We would write to each other often, despite seeing each other every other day. It's our way of getting words out the way actions can't. And I would rewrite the entire thing if there was a slight mistake made, just because I didn't want liquid paper to ruin the feel of the letter. He was my 'tree' and I, his 'flower sheltered by the tree'. And I would make the letter pretty by drawing the tree and the little flower on it. He would seal the letter with wax, and present the letter with little stars for me, each star folded representing each time he missed me. And there were LOADS of stars...

I'm the kind who would stare deep into your eyes, touch your face, and marvel at us and how life and fate have brought us together, and just feel blessed to have you in my life...

And I'm the kind whose left hand would REFUSE to let go of your right hand even when I'm driving and making a U-turn (driving an auto car helped, of course). And would sneak quick peeks at you when I'm driving (quick peeks were all I could do to prevent myself getting into an accident).

I can go shopping for Christmas decorations, decorate the car and arrange the present nicely on the dashboard together with the rest of the decorations before heading to fetch you so when you sit down in the passenger's seat, you'll see the decorations and the present, get a nice little surprise, and feel warm and cosy.

I'm also the kind who will smile and feel blessed when we're talking and laughing really hard together, because I know how lucky it is to have someone you love and who loves you who can laugh with you.

Yes I'm that kind of person. The romantic.

And it feels awful when the person you're with doesn't speak your love language... Or worse, when you don't even speak your own love language with that person. At all, or anymore.

Back to my friend. He's the one who's married, not me. And there's no...what do you call that...passion? No "Man I wanna go back to my darling as soon as I can because I haven't seen her in more than 10 hours!!!" 冲动. No "Nah I should be home. She doesn't worry about me la, but I don't want her to be home alone without me" self-disciplined concern.


While writing this post at 3am, he's online. So I'm curious again and asked this question:

"you guys hold hands and talk boliao sweet nothings and hug and steal kisses when you go out?"

"no"


Hearing the "no" made my heart wrench, not because he was a guy I had great chemistry with and whom I knew was as spontaneous as anything, but because of the fact itself that they don't do these little acts of love, made more prominent by the fact that they're newly-weds who only met 2-3 years ago.

It's painful and sad isn't it?

Even if I become 老夫老妻 with my hubby, and 两鬓发白,面黄驼背,and have wrinkled skin and saggy breasts, I would still want my other half to hold my hand when we're together, to steal a kiss when we're out, to tell me things and laugh with me, to look at me in the eye and smile, to make me feel blessed that we have come so far together and treasure me, as much as I would want to do the same for him...

To me, that's how love should feel. I'm not being delusional, and those of you who wants to tell me that true love hardly happens, you've not felt it. Those who tell me you hardly marry the person you love the most, fine, I accept that. But never ever marry someone you don't love. It freaks me out thinking about it. It should be "Seek and Find", not "Seek and Settle"...

You only live once. 轰轰烈烈 一点。Live grandly. Love fiercely.


Love, Hugs, and Kisses,
*~Silver~*

20 comments:

  1. Hi Silver,
    I saw u wif ur guy a couple of months back @ tamp ikea, u didnt seem happy.
    I mean blessed and contented that kinda happy....
    which reminds me of the relationship which im in now....=(

    we've been tog for 3yrs now, we still hold hands n steal kisses....
    but we hardly talk n discuss abt things anymore...most of e times i would find it hard to communicate wif him cos i find e replies i get are not constructive.

    I do not feel the "Man I wanna go back to my darling as soon as I can because I haven't seen her in more than 10 hours!!!" 冲动 & i no longer speak my own love language with him anymore too this makes me sad....

    i duno if i still love him or it's xi guan....

    i totally relate to hw ure feeling and i love this post.....cos it makes me ponder now....

    jiayou silver!

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  2. I can't help but cry when I read your post.. Reminded me so much of my past relationship.

    E little things that means so much to me doesn't seem to matter to him anymore. Hurts very much to know he has no more love for me.. Crying my eyes out for him to stay. And he didn't even look back.

    But I know at least I tried.. U should too. Talk to him..

    I wish u all e best :)

    Shy

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  3. Shy>> I did, for the previous him. He didn't come back.

    And I did, for this one. He did, but things have already changed...

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  4. hey Silver, I can relate to what you wrote. sometimes, girls are accused of being overly-sensitive towards other people's actions.. but if I am in your shoes, I'll feel sad too :( I'm a romantic too and I agree that we should marry the one we truly love. I have been with my boyfriend for almost two years.. we hardly send each other text msges anymore.. nowadays we also hardly talk much on the phone. we are both busy and only meet once a week but that is enough for me.. I can feel the chemistry, spark and happiness when we are together :) for me, that is how I know that he is the one because no guy has ever made me feel this way :) maybe you can try having a talk with your love and ask him to think abt your relationship, share your feelings and concerns with him.. hope everything will turn out good! all the best!!! :)

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  5. Hey Silver, I came across your blog today for the first time... and actually spent the last 2 hours just reading your entries! Lol, I hardly do that but I find your entries very amusing, as well as genuine. :) But I really like this post, and as a girl I think we all will encounter this type of relationship at least once in our life... maybe more than once, unfortunately. It's happened to me twice now! The last two relationships ended after 3-4 yrs together, with the same distant feelings and 'not speaking the same love language' thing happening toward the last year(s) together. I'm glad it ended though, as I realized looking back now those were all red flags hinting to me that those guys weren't 'the one' I'm looking for. I'm a hopeless romantic as well, and know what you mean when you'll go out of your way to do things to make the other person feel special... it's sad when you realize what you do/feel can't be returned. This is getting long but I hope you figure things out with your dude and good luck to you. :)

    P.S. I saw your post on eyebrow embroidery, I got mine done back in 2003, lasted for 3 yrs and haven't considered doing it again but your eyebrows look great and it's tempting me! Lol, I live in Canada though... but will be in Vietnam this upcoming Jan/Feb, if I visit Singapore for a few days I would drop by Allure ASAP and mention your brows. ;)

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  6. Thanks for this post! I can relate so much to it. Especially the part about staring and staring at him and him not returning your gaze...sigh.
    -ze

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  8. Yeah, i'm not sure..but i think most of the guys will have the 'lao fu lao qi' thing after a few years together...they won't be as romantic and they won't spend as much time as they did in the first place..i can totally understand :(

    I hope you can meet someone that can understand your love language. That goes to me as well ;P

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  9. It's sad that some married couples don't hold hands anymore. Maybe your friend doesn't really love her or don't know if he loves her.

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  10. damn this makes my heart wrench...

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  11. I feel this way tooooo!

    Don't you agree that it is only at the very last resort then you will communicate about how you feel to him? It is like mentioning it to him, will make us appear needy, whiney, not understanding etc.

    Time will tell people say, but how long do should we wait? Is it fair? It is not we're asking for them to behave like when it first begun. But the LITTLE THINGS, the effort.. we need to feel it.

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  12. wow, nice... suddenly enlighten me of something.. thanks... take care..

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  13. When I first read this post, I can't help but agree totally. I have the same view on relationship. Thanks for blogging about your own experiences. U haven't been blogging recently, I hope you're alright. I believe that true love exists, we have to seek for it and grab the opportunity. 加油 okay! hope to read your new entry soon! :D

    -MM

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  14. Thank you everyone for your care, concern, and comments. So many people feel so much reading this entry... and I so wish to give a hug to each and every one of you. =D

    May true love be around, with, and within us~~~

    =)

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  15. Reminds me of my bro and his wife. I think there is no love at all. I do not understand why do they want to seek and settle just because of factors like "age", "family compatability" and "lust". My previous relationship was a bit like that. I am glad to say that my wonderful gf is getting married to someone whom she has dated for 10 years and they have not gotten tired of each other and still act like they are in a honeymoon phase. Do not give up. When the right person comes along, the feeling comes along too. :o)

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  16. It's like we'll keep looking into their eyes hoping they'd smile back at us like before...Before, when he said you were like a dream , and just as you begin to fall harder and let your emotional guard down...He seem to be falling out instead.
    And suddenly, we're not as amazing, or interesting...We lose our spark in their eyes.

    And it's as though they've woken up.

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  17. heyy! i found your blog recently and i was surprised to find you really write about how you feel here, after being something like a mini celebrity and all, i was quite surprised that you blog quite regularly, almost like i know a celebrity :)

    anyways, after reading your entry, i'm so glad i'm not the only one who feels this way. i thought i'm the weird one, i've been with my boyfriend for 4 years + and these past few years its been ups and downs. he used to send me those long mushy smses and we used to want to meet each other every day, but nowadays it seems he gets irritated when i want to have a meal with him, like every day is too much.. i try not to be clingy but like you, i'm really the clingy type! i thought i was weird cos i have a friend who's like the guy in relationships, she's totally the independant type and won't reply smses for hours until she happens to check her phone, and my boyfriend does that to me all the time, which makes me sian and sad :( i don't know if i should want to be like her, be all manly and don't care about him, but i find it so hard argh..

    i don't know how your relationship is going, now i'm slowly trying to fill my schedule and do more things so maybe i won't think so much about him and stuff, hope everything works out..

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  18. Hey Ivin!

    I hope it all works out for you somehow. Everything happens for a reason, I hope you get your answer soon, and you'll smile in the years ahead knowing this happened for that reason. Whatever it is, let's wish us luck in our love life! ;) *hugs~*

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  19. any individual ought to deserve more love than this.
    :-(

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