Just like Joel. He definitely isn't perfect. He made a mistake, yes. Perhaps by being too nice. Have you ever been there? I know I have. Feelings are no longer existent, yet I kept pretending to the other party that nothing was wrong. We still held hands, went for movies, dined together...yada yada... Heck, I still said those three words, even though I no longer knew if I meant them...I wanted to try. To see if it was just a phase and everything would be alright again. I just didn't want the other party to be upset, so I just drifted along...no happy feelings, no lovey-dovey feelings, nothing... Me and the said guy broke up, of course, as pretending could only take me so far, until someone came along and really made me feel alive again.
I now know that it doesn't really work that way. And that we should never pretend. Especially pretending to still love when we no longer do.
Back to Joel. He made a mistake by pretending. After seeing those photos, I checked my mail again. The wife had replied, this time asking more intimate questions, saying she had "given him many chances", and hoping she could find closure. I knew what needing closure felt like, so I replied her email as honestly as I could.
She thanked me for my answer, and asked me to help ensure Joel doesn't get a bike in the near future, and even wished me luck for my riding theory test later on in the evening. You know, here, I actually find her quite an understanding young lady for her age. Then came another email a few minutes later.
She asked me to leave him. Huh? You just told me you wanted closure. Now you want me to leave him? And what followed was a string of verbal lashings saying I was "shameless" and "not matured enough" and that I should "back off" and if I wondered "what his family will think of me". And that I will end up "sitting in a corner" after he has slept with me. That I am a public figure and I "shouldn't be doing stuff like this".
Okay girl, you just pissed me off and boiled my blood. Tell me you didn't sleep with him when you got together with him when you were 15. Say it. "Not matured enough" then, well maybe, but were you "shameless"? And, if his family thinks anything bad about me, then I'm sure you'd have some part in it by adding salt, pepper, and other spices to their impression of me. BECAUSE, to be honest, I started loving your husband because I didn't know he was a husband to begin with, so you're not being fair to me to judge me based on the fact that I was dating A husband. AND ALSO! ALSO! I have never had problems with any of my past partners' families.
If there's anything close friends and fans know, it's that Silver Ang fights fiercely, especially for love. Fair enough, if Joel REALLY has been two-timing us while being happily married to you, I will kiss his arse goodbye. But I've been spending so much time with him throughout MANY nights, and before or after his work, that I really find it hard to believe that he was still with you. Yes, a marital status is a marital status, I grant that. But what is an empty marital status? Does the paper warrant you ever-after lovey-dovey emotional status? Isn't it just a stupid paper that the law uses in case something wrong happens to the relationship? Is it just black and white for you? What about the gray areas? In between black and white, the area is far greater than the 2 extreme margins.
I needed to speak to Joel. Badly. I smsed him the stuff that had been going on at home the past few hours, and set off to pick him up from after work. I showed him some of the email exchanges.
"Did I really come between you two?" I was angry, and I was upset.
"No, please don't think that way. It was before you.."
He leaned back into the passenger seat.
"Why doesn't she want to let me go..."
He held me tight. He looked, somehow, exasperated. "I'm sorry for getting you in a mess you don't deserve."
We drove to a quiet little coffeehouse in Hillview. He held my hand throughout the drive. And he didn't let go when we got there.
"Tell me what to do BB..." His expression looked blank. I wish I knew. I remembered what my ex-boyfriend did. He shouted at me "I've done everything! Tell me what else I must do to make you leave me!!" That felt like a tight slap on my face. I was devastated, and left immediately. Physically, that is. The feelings only died many months later...
I've got riding theory test later, and I told him to take the car, go meet her and clear things up, then pick me up later after my test.
I passed my test (of course right~ *wink*). And he came to pick me up, as agreed upon earlier. He told me it's been settled. They had a big fight, apparently. She went to his place to clear out her stuff. I didn't know what that meant. Whether it was that they have made it clear that they've broken up, going for annulment, or what. And I still have this nagging feeling that I might just have been the cause of a breaking-up of a marriage.
"B, tell me honestly, am I the cause?"
"No BB, I would still have gone for the annulment even if you didn't appear. My parents have asked me to try, but they must understand that if I don't do it now, there will be more problems next time..." Like if there is a baby involved?
Even from a bystander point of view, he did have a point. I'm not siding anyone here, but if I'm with someone who has a changed view of a once-good relationship, I wouldn't want him to pretend to love me. Trust me, a woman can feel it if it's pretended. Then end up dragging it and me having a baby (god forbid) and then years after REALLY finds that it just isn't working THEN get a divorce. I'd rather he come clean with me and tell me it's just not working anymore, and let me go. At least I get a chance to meet someone who will make his calling to love me and take care of me for life. And oh yes, a marriage without love? The child can feel it too. I wish everyone in my family's all lovey-dovey, it's really nice when you can feel the love and the happiness in the family you know? Unfortunately my family's not like that. It once was, until a series of events changed things.
She has been sending him smses, and he hadn't really been replying her (except when drama started erupting on my blog, which made her very upset seeing how protective he was of me...but that's another matter). This is perhaps the best way to get someone to let go. 心软会让一个女人误以为有希望，最后造成更多的伤痛。这个，我很懂，因为我也曾经被误导过。
I did talk to him properly, asking questions from as bystander a position as possible. Because like most of you, I couldn't understand how you can just let go of 6 years of a love you shared with someone.
He had tried. In those 6 years they have been together, they have broken up on many occasions, dated other people, and reconciled, once of his own accord, once as per requested by his mother, a few times because she couldn't let go. He did try, if not he wouldn't have agreed when she asked for them to get married. (Yes, she asked. Not him.) Or maybe he thought he could try again. He let go a very important piece of information which answered my question.
"There are some things which can never even happen once. Not even once. She was the one who cheated on me during my toughest days in the army. Very sad one you know, I had nobody to talk to...I couldn't do anything..."
And that was 4 years ago, at least...which meant that after that incident, he couldn't really fully let go of that fact. Frankly speaking, who can? It will always be a scar, wouldn't it? Now, I'm sure many of you would think that he's doing it as revenge. Initially I thought so too, but scraped the idea after that. You wouldn't wait 4 years to do revenge. And from what I know of him, he's not that sort to take revenge. Maybe he was, I wouldn't know, but he's certainly not that kind of man now.
Anyway, what happened for the next few weeks were (more) people coming into my tagboard to leave hate messages. Which led to a whole load of nasty impulsive exchanges and drama, which led to me starting on this story so I could show the girl what exactly happened with me and Joel. Whether or not I appeared after they already had problems, or whether I was the cause of it all; whether I knew, or whether I came in to deliberately "snatch her husband" (ouch that sounded damn mean); whether the whole incident was my fault, her fault, his fault, or was it just meant to happen. I always believe things happen for a reason. You most probably won't
They have since gone to lawyer's to apply for annulment, and are currently awaiting to attend court so it can be processed. (Apparently annulment is not an automatic procedure, they will look at each case individually, then the lawyer would have to present the case to the judge, who will interview them in court.) Lawyer's fees and stamp fees do not come cheap. They took up most of his savings, and he has paid his price for his wrong decisions. A bike instructor isn't like cabin crew - they don't earn money easily. Most days they have to stand under the hot sun or be in the rain to teach. And all for less than $2k. Maybe slightly more, if you've been there long enough.
I cannot guarantee that he will not make the same mistake again. Who knows? Maybe I will be the one making a mistake? (choi!) Haven't we all made mistakes in relationships at some part of our lives? Is that to say you will keep doing it? No, right? (I hope!) Joel decided that wasn't the life he wanted, and he let her go when she's at her prime (21!). I might be wrong, but it's probably the best thing he has done for her.
Joel has since had to face everyone who blamed him for what has happened, and inevitably, I get conscious of how his friends or relatives might look at me, even though I was an unknowing party. After all, they've been seeing the same face for 6 years, then suddenly, this strange girl from TV pops out from nowhere.
As for me, no one, not even Joel or myself, can guarantee a happily-ever-after. Everyone wants that, of course, but wanting it and making it happen is a totally different story. Many times after I learnt of his marital status, I tried giving up on this altogether. After all, I'm not really that fat and ugly you know~ 还是有人追的okay~~~~ Plus I have my career to climb. Why get myself into something so messy which I'm not even sure is worthy of all this mayhem? In all the times I tried to let go, he pulled me back. I felt his anxiety - he wasn't bochup like some guys would be if you wanna let go, he was genuinely upset and gan cheong, and I felt his sincerity in wanting to make this work.
Thus, I decided to give us a chance.
After all, apart from this huge saga, it's been awhile since someone has had the ability to make me this happy, to laugh the way I do, to share the kind of chemistry we do such that we say the same things at the same time so often, and to feel again....
I mean, it's not like I'm marrying him or rushing into anything. We're just dating and going out now, and taking things slow, see where it leads us. I've my artiste career to work on, and like I promised myself in my very first post, my dream = Hollywood. For now, maybe Jolin, or bigger! ;) I know I know!!! They're HUGE dreams. And you know what? Aim high, so even if you don't get there, you get close. (Some wise mentor told me that.) Hard work WILL get you results, you just have to be patient.
Relationships? They just happen the way they want to. Hard work doesn't necessarily get you results here. Just enjoy the ride, and make sure you don't do things which "can never even happen once", so you don't unnecessarily spoil the relationship. Every relationship is a learning and growing up process, so even if it doesn't work out, I'm sure we all emerge stronger. =D
Girl, my story ends here. I hope I have cleared the air between us, and I apologize for whatever unkind words I have used against you or your friends.We all make mistakes (especially when we act on impulse!!!), and the one thing we should never do is to keep lamenting and harping on them. What matters is that we learn from our mistakes, move on, and try as best as we can never to commit them again. =) Occasionally, if you want to, leave a
Signing off (with peace),